Life at 20. Whew! When Will I Ever Find the Time to Watch Jersey Shore?
Oh Noes! A Baby!, or, The Father of My Child is A Big Jerkface Meanie-head
What to Do When Your Dad Has No Balls Left Because Your Mom Ate Them
Life In the Big City: How to Survive In a Place With a Population of 1,000
I Still Think I Should've Won Dancing With the Stars. Thanks for Nothing, America!
Not Afraid of Life, But Holy Shit Please Do Something About My Mom. She's Seriously Fucking Crazy
Stop or My Mom Will Shoot! (Ed. note: Title already taken)
Everything I Know I Learned From Watching Glenn Beck
At Least I'm Not Charlie Sheen
Not Aboot to Give You Health Insurance. Where Do You Think You Are, Canada? LULZ! Canada's stupid
My Mom's a Dumb Cunt and All I Got Was This Stupid T-Shirt (T-Shirt sold seperately)

Labels: Lists, Politics, Sarah Palin

The baseball Hall of Fame is a joke. It's absolutely ridiculous that guys like Bert Blyleven get elected, and someone like Albert Belle isn't even on the ballot anymore.

I mean, Bert Blyleven? Really?

To me, the HOF is for guys who fathers will tell their sons about. Remember those days when you'd sit and watch a game with your dad, and you'd get all excited because you thought some guy was good, and then your dad would be like, "He's good, but he's no (insert your dad's favorite old school ballplayer here)."

Or, how about when you'd buy/find/be given some old cards from the 60's or so. And you'd ask your dad, "hey, how was 'this guy'?" And your dad would say something like, "He was really good." But you knew that he wasn't a HOFer.

And that's what I'm talking about. That's what a HOFer is. He's a guy who can pass the dad/baseball card test. I remember buying a bunch of 1960's hockey cards at a flea market once. I was flipping through asking my dad about a lot of them, and he gave me varying opinions on a bunch of guys that he vaguely remembered. Then I got to Glenn Hall. And my dad went on for 15 minutes on how great he was. That's the kind of guy who belongs in the HOF.

Bert Blyleven? Yeah, his numbers are fine, I guess, but how many dads are gonna be telling their kids about the day they saw Bert Blyleven pitch? Fucking nobody. That's who.

No offense to the guy or anything, but I'd rather have seen Albert Belle, or Alan Trammell, or Don Mattingly. Those are guys I will tell my kids about. "You should've seen them play" I'll say.

Bert Blyleven? "Yeah, he was good, but he shouldn't be in the Hall."

And what about guys like Gary Sheffield? Barry Bonds? Sammy Sosa? Rafael Palmeiro? I don't think Sheffield belongs. His numbers coincide with the exact time when steroids became prevalent. The guy didn't do shit until steroids became rampant. How many guys actually get better in their 30's? Pretty much none of them. Bonds, as much as I hate the guy, should be in. He was so dominant, even before steroids. Clearly he was an all-time great, regardless of drugs. Sosa? I know his numbers are great, but he is another guy who didn't do anything until steroids were everywhere. Plus, even if we don't have proof that he took steroids, we know he's a cheater, because he got caught corking his bat. And Rafael Palmeiro? Well, even with steroids, I never thought Rafael Palmeiro was a HOFer anyway, so I don't think he belongs simply because I don't think he's a legendary type player. At least Sosa, say what you want, was involved in one of the most legendary home run races of all-time. I'd vote for him before I'd vote for Palmeiro.

Regardless, the HOF is now turning into the "Hall of the Really Good Player." It's just not the same.

Labels: Baseball, Rants

Hi, Dan Snyder. You're an asshole. Why are you suing Washington City Paper? Is it because they wrote this article, in which they totally cut off your balls and shove them down your throat? Yep, that's why. But, still, why are you suing them, really? It's not because of the article. It's because the newspaper is calling attention to the fact that you are a fucking asshole, that's why. And, Danny Boy, if it ever went to court, I'm positive that the judge will look you square in the eye and tell you, "Dan Snyder, you fucking suck you fucking asshole."

If you're reading this article right now and skipped over the link to the Washington City Paper article, please read it. It's un-fucking-believable. Dan Snyder really does suck. If you didn't already know some of the things he's done, you will be shocked.

But let's not get off the track... Back to you, Danny boy...

What the fuck is wrong with you, you fucking asshole? You're not just a douchebag. You're everything that a douchebag could ever hope to be. You took a once proud franchise and turned it into a complete laughing stock. You've embarrassed all-pro players. You've made a mockery of respected coaches (especially our beloved Joe Gibbs), and you've made a fool of all of us Redskins fans, who continue to believe year after year that we will finally have a team worth rooting for.

You are not just a bad owner. You are the worst owner in professional sports. You are worse than the ownership group of the Pittsburgh Pirates, who haven't made the playoffs since Sharon Stone showed us her snatch for the first time. At least Pirates management doesn't pretend like they're trying. At least they have the decency to make shitty trades and not pay their players any money. At least, if you're a Pirates fan, you know you're team is gonna suck.

But, no. Not if you're a Skins fan. We get excited as we watch you buy your way to mediocrity. Oooh, Dan Snyder just spent millions of dollars on a guy who once stepped on another guy's face! Yay! Now we might go 7-9 instead of 6-10!

Fuck you, Dan Snyder. Fuck you right in the fucking face.

Am I pissed off? You better damn well believe I'm pissed off. Originally I just thought you sucked because you ruined the Redskins, but now I know that you've not only ruined my favorite football team, but you are truly human scum. If the NFL had any decency whatsoever, they would remove you as owner of the team. If MLB can do it with Marge Schott and George Steinbrenner, the NFL can certainly tell you to go fuck yourself.

You've done a lot of truly heinous shit. This is clear. But forget that for a second. You made one of the smartest men alive look like a moron. I mean, you made Bill Gates look stupid. Bill fucking Gates. Sure, the man makes a shitty web browser, but when push comes to shove, he's a good guy. He donates a lot of his money and time to helping sick kids in third world countries. For better or worse, he created something used by billions of people all over the planet. He's an iconic figure all over the world! And you made him look like a fucking douche for having the nerve to own stock in a company that was wildly successful before you took over. Do you see the fucking pattern here, Dan? Everything you touch turns to shit, you fucking dick. What the fuck have you ever done, anyway? You break contracts, exploit people, and engage in illegal activities, all in an effort to try and squeeze every dollar out of those of us dumb enough to like a fucking football team.

So, go fuck yourself Dan Snyder. If I ever had any kind of power in my useless little fingers, I'd organize a group that could pay the players and coaches on your team enough money to refuse to play for you. We would tell those men that it's not their fault, and that instead of giving our ticket and merchandise money to an organization who uses our loyalty to a football team as an excuse to monetarily rape us, we will simply give it to the athletes and coaches who were also sadly duped by you.

As much as I love the Redskins, I would love nothing more than to see you not be able to field a team next season. I would love for the players under contract to tell you to go fuck yourself. I would love for the coaches to tell you to go fuck yourself. And I would absolutely, positively, one hundred and ten percent love to see all the Redskins fans on the planet collectively tell you to eat shit and die by not supporting your seemingly oppressive, exploitative, and douchebag-like ways.

You truly suck.

Love,

A huge lifelong Redskins fan who can't wait for you to fucking die.

Labels: Football, Rants, Redskins

Tonight I was watching the HBO special, "24/7 Penguins/Capitals: Road to the NHL Winter Classic" with a friend of mine, and it was awesome. I mean really awesome.

A lot of times with these kinds of "behind the scenes" shows, I feel like they have to manufacture a lot of the show to make it interesting. Which isn't to say that these guys weren't aware that the cameras were rolling, because I'm sure they hammed it up a little bit, but I do believe that hockey players are a different breed of athlete, and not surprisingly, funny as shit. For instance, I couldn't stop laughing while listening to Marc-Andre Fleury talk shit to his entire team while having a shootout at the end of practice. Hockey fan or not, it's entertaining as hell. Not only would I say the show is worth watching if you see it on, I'd recommend finding it On Demand and making it a point to check out the whole four part series.

The best part is the Winter Classic itself. Not only do you get to hear the players say "fuck" about 900 times, but you really get a feel for what goes on during the games. The trash talking is on a whole new level. Even the referees talk shit. It's fucking amazing.

Which got my buddy and I thinking... Why doesn't the NHL have a contract with HBO to broadcast a game every month? The entertainment value of being able to hear the players and coaches interact with the refs and the other guys on the ice would be immense.

Now, yes, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Jon, I've seen the players interact on NBC when they show those "Mic'd Up" clips during intermission, and it's usually boring." That is true. But that's also because it's NBC and it's network TV, so you won't ever hear Bruce Boudreau calling his team a bunch of "shitbums." And you won't hear the real back and forth that goes on between the players and the refs throughout the game. But on HBO? You get it all. And it's fantastic.

So why not, NHL? Why not show half a dozen games on HBO, with no announcers, and the sounds of the game being delivered by the people on the ice and behind the benches? It would be the first of its kind, and could be revolutionary when it comes to watching sports. Plus, since it's on HBO, it doesn't need to be censored, which is the whole point.

Labels: Hockey, Winter Classic

Apparently, Esquire magazine recently published an article entitled "Dating Etiquette: How to Navigate the First Date". It was also apparently written by someone who either last went out on a date in 1963, or learned everything they know about sex from watching "It's the Great Vagina, Charlie Brown!".

Thankfully, I'm here to offer some helpful corrections.

So, without further ado, I present to you (with commentary from yours truly in red italics):

Dating Etiquette: How to Navigate the First Date

Follow these modern-chivalry dating tips to give her a gentlemen's impression she'll never forget.

By Esquire

The first date can be a disaster if you do it wrong. From the predate to the follow-up, keep in mind this six-step dating guide on how to do it right.

1. The Predate

• Dress for the occasion, but more important, dress to show respect. Reminder: It's still better to overdress.

• Easy on the cologne. Avoid novelty ties. Arm yourself with the tools of modern chivalry.

The Tools of Chivalry

You never know when you’ll be called to kindness. So prepared yourself for modern-day knighthood.

Handkerchief
Good for: When she spills her drink, starts to cry, or needs to be blindfolded for a surprise.
Also good for: Folding stylishly into your breast pocket.

Um... I don't know about you, but I'm going to avoid blindfolding the girl on the first date. Surprisingly enough, some girls might find this uncomfortable. Shocking, I know. Also, why are you making her cry on your first date? I doubt handing her a crusty snot rag is gonna get you out of that mess.

Lighter
Good for: Lighting her cigarette or scented candles around her bathtub.
Also good for: "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" encore.

Scented candles? I'm gonna carry a lighter on me at all times in case I need to light Maple Nut Crunch candles? And, wait, Every Rose Has Its Thorn? Really?? That's the best you can do? You might as well be playing Huey Lewis and the motherfucking News. Power of Love. Instant girl on your balls.

Pen
Good for: Jotting down her number.
Also good for: Scribbling pictures of the two of you riding horses together on cocktail napkins.

Hmm... you should probably already have her phone number if you're out on a date with her. Just thought I'd mention that in case you're a total blockhead. A pen is also good for jamming into your eye socket in case she keeps going on about her recent shopping trip to Express.

Breath Strips
Good for: Keeping yourself approachable after a little crab dip.
Also good for: Her breath.


Hey there, Alpo breath. How about a Skittle? Yeah, you're gonna want a Skittle.

Umbrella
Good for: Keeping her dry during a storm.
Also good for: Improvised musical numbers.

That's right, who gives a shit about you. Keep HER dry. Or, instead, you could both not be pussies and play in the rain and have fun.

2. The Pickup

• Be on time.

• Go to the door.

• Do not bring flowers -- it's outdated. You may, however, bring a small, thoughtful gift that you did not purchase from Wicks 'n' Sticks or B. Dalton Bookseller.

I see... flowers are outdated, but all the other advice on here is spot on accurate? Right, buddy.

3. The Drive

• If you're taking a cab, you should open the door for her, give the directions, and pay.

• While amusing, avoid that bit where you go and then stop and pretend to drive away without her.

• No music -- try talking.

• If you find the ensuing silence unbearable, you may put on music, but avoid the following: a) talk radio; b) anything in which R. Kelly describes something overtly about intimacy; c) playlists consisting entirely of songs that feature her name.

4. The Restaurant

• Open the door for her. In case of revolving doors, you go first.

• Wait until she's seated to take your seat. At fancier joints, it's the waiter's job to help her with her chair, not yours.

• Never order for her. And never present a coupon to the waiter while saying, "And the lady will have something of equal or lesser value."

• Sharing food: If she suggests it, you're doing it.

• Pay. If she offers to help, say something sincere like, "It's my pleasure," not something you think is witty, like, "I'll consider this a down payment for later, if you know what I mean!"

5. The Walk

• Walk at her pace.

Feel free to smack her in the ass if you need her to pick up the pace.

• Tradition dictates that you should walk on the outside of her to avoid puddle splashes and runaway carriages, but feel free to disregard this unless your date takes place in Colonial Williamsburg (not advised).

• Offer her your arm. It's chivalrous and also a good way to initiate contact.

• Be a man. Make your move. May God be with you.

• You're not going inside. Unless she suggests it.

If she doesn't suggest it, feel free to go sleep with your ex-girlfriend.

6. Following Up

• No texting. Call the next day. Two days, tops.

• If she answers the phone, thank her for a great night and schedule a second date.

• If you get voice mail, thank her and ask her to call you back.

• If she answers the phone "Sam's Pizza" and pretends you've got the wrong number, all bets are off.

Labels: Dating, Lists

I made a Hartford Whalers test. You should take it.

http://www.helloquizzy.com/tests/the-hartford-whalers-test

Labels: Hockey, Tests, Whalers

You know what pisses me off? People who insist on using flavored liquors for every drink that contains said flavor. They'll use espresso vodka in an espresso martini. Citrus vodka in a cosmopolitan. Lime flavored tequila in a margarita. And so on.

The problem is, when you do that, you're FUCKING UP the drink. A cosmo is plain vodka, triple-sec (which is orange flavored), lime juice, and a twist of lemon for a garnish. The cranberry juice is for color ONLY. Thus, you have the three main citrus flavors: lemon, lime, orange. Now, when you use an orange vodka, or a citron vodka, or something fucking stupid like that, you totally mess up the drink and make it taste exclusively like that one flavor.

All it really takes is a basic understanding of the ingredients. Now, if you want to make a cosmo and doctor it up a bit, that's fine. You could throw a splash of grapefruit juice in there or use a grapefruit vodka in addition to the other ingredients. That would be nice. But it's not a cosmo. It's a quasmo. Or whatever other look-at-me-I'm-clever name you want to give it.

But you shouldn't be messing with stuff until you know how to make the original one right.

Then again, what do I know. This is a country of people who like everything to be the Mac 'N CHEESIEST!!! God dammit, people.

The margarita is also another one of those drinks that people just can't seem to master. Why are you putting orange juice in there?!? I'm gonna take that pour bottle and shove it up your rectum. Don't you dare put fucking orange juice in my margarita.

It's just annoys me that there are a lot of bad bartenders out there. Even at the tequila bar in downtown New Haven, there is only one bartender there that I trust with making my margaritas. They are perfect every time. The other bartenders couldn't make chocolate fucking milk, let alone a margarita.

Labels: Drinking, Liquor