... you cannot avoid the vortex known as "the rue crew"

ok people, really, it's a very simple concept... if you are not passing someone, GET OUT OF THE LEFT LANE. how people do not understand this i have no idea. i mean, it's not really a difficult thing to understand, is it? i mean, it's nothing personal. i don't care if you want to drive 65 mph, just don't do it in the passing lane. why? because it's called the PASSING LANE. it's not called the STAY IN THIS LANE AND GO THE EXACT SAME SPEED AS THE CAR NEXT TO YOU AND HOLD UP TRAFFIC AND MAKE EVERYONE BE PISSED OFF AT YOU lane.

now... to all sports fans who call up sports radio stations and suggest trades: you are all ridiculous morons. randy johnson for roger clemens and brad lidge is NOT a good trade offer. i mean, sure, if i'm the houston astros, i want to trade my old pitcher who's making a lot of money for an even OLDER pitcher who's making even MORE money. oh and while i'm at it, why don't i just trade you the best young closer in all of baseball, free of charge! yay!!

i mean, what is it in your pathetic little brain that actually makes you, (a) think this is a fair trade, and (b) want to call up a radio station in new york and tell thousands of people about it?

PLEASE STOP SNIIFING AIRPLANE GLUE BEFORE YOU CALL. better yet, just swallow the whole damn tube and put yourself out of my misery. PLEASE.

oh, and to the oakland a's fan that called up last night and actually said that he'd trade barry zito to the mets for tom glavine, straight up: you should be brought to oakland's stadium, tied to a stake in the middle of the pitcher's mound, and have everyone in attendance that night hit fastballs back at your face.

this week has just fucking licked my bag. i don't know what else to say. i haven't even had time to read anyone else's blog, let alone write an entry of my own.

seriously, though. my current job just sucks all the life out of me. it's not like i hate my job or anything, but i just feel like i have absolutely no energy and no desire to do anything once i leave at the end of the day.

i would love to write a blog entry every day, but it's just like i have absolutely nothing to say. which isn't true, because anyone who knows me knows that i ALWAYS have something to say. but it's like any semblence of creativity i once had is completely gone. my brain is completely fried at 5 pm.

of course, i know that getting out of my parents' house is the #1 key to my being happier. i wish i didn't have to wait until august, but it's looking like that's going to be the case.

anyway, i just hope you guys stick around and bear with me. my lack of writing is not because i don't want to blog anymore, and it's not just because i'm lazy. also, my lack of reading all of your blogs is also bothering me. i miss having the energy to flip through your blogs and see what's going on...

anyway, i'm going down to philly this weekend. i can't get out of connecticut fast enough. i hope you all have a good memorial day weekend and i promise i will be back in action next week.

all of my personal email accounts have been blocked at work. it stands to reason that losing access to my blog will not be far behind. so, i am going to enjoy being able to blog while i still have the capability to do so. but, do not be surprised if my postings become far more sporadic than they already are. however, i am really hoping that this does not become the case, obviously...

some random thoughts:

Finally, the yankees are playing well and are on a ten game winning streak. i hope all you yankee haters enjoyed watching them suck while you could, because it looks like they've woken up.

Ummmm, if the czech's win the world hockey championship and it gets no press in the united states, did it really happen? team usa finished out of the top four, which is disappointing for sure, but they had a good team and played some close games, and i'm just happy to see canada lose.

Chances are, i will not be seeing thievery corporation this weekend as previously thought. i dont think i can handle $35 tickets.

Kumquats are funny.

Tell me again how hilary duff isn't hotter than lindsey lohan? i don't get it. sorry.

How many people still read this?

I read some girl's personal ad on craigslist.com where she quoted a line from uhf. while i appreciate that kind of humor, that can't be a good thing for her looks...

Sixty-four days until we leave for lollapalooza. awesome.

Jason giambi is actually starting to hit. i'm not sure if this excites me or pisses me off.

Oil can boyd is trying to make a come back? wasn't he done in like 1988?

Bite me.

Friday, 5/13

5:03 pm: i leave work three mintues later than i wanted, but it's okay. i should be able to get to mike's house in new haven to pick him up and drive down to the train station so we can catch the 5:56 metro-north to grand central.

5:54 pm: i finally get to mike's house. stupid friday traffic. i hate driving in rush hour. we decide to go to milford instead, to catch the 6:07 train.

6:08 pm: stupid god damned traffic. i really hate driving in rush hour. we arrive at the station to see our train pulling away. why did we take i-95 anyway? what were we thinking?? we decide to drive to stamford to catch the 6:55 train.

6:55 pm: arg!!! stupid effing god damned traffic! i-95 has delays so we take the merrit parkway instead and it doesn't help. but it's okay, our train hasn't showed up yet, so we should be able to park and -- fuck! is that our train? oh, wait, no it isn't, it's going the wrong way. sweet!

10 seconds later: FUCK!! now that's our train. where do i park, mike? shit! fuck! AAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it appears as though we are driving into manhattan.

8:07 pm: ME -- are we going the right way?
MIKE -- um, i'm not sure.
ME -- i don't think this is how we get to the henry hudson...
MIKE -- i don't know.
ME -- those projects are lovely, though.
MIKE -- wait, i think i know where we are. any minute now we should be passing by a white castle...
(cue white castle...)
ME -- sweet! dude, we have to stop.
MIKE -- if we miss any of the built to spill show i'm gonna freak.
ME -- fine. we'll hit it up on the way back.

8:43 pm: we look for a place to park. this sucks. we find a parking garage. i notice the rates as i hand my keys over to the valet and make a mental note to prepare for my wallet to get raped when i come back on sunday.

9:15 pm: we stop at our friend's apartment to drop our stuff off. we are offered tequila shots. we accept.

9:22 pm: because the tequila shot wasn't enough, obviously, we shoot a double shot of vodka. i mean, why the hell not? oh, did i mention we hadn't eaten anything all day? right...

9:58 pm: we arrive at beauty bar to meet our concert going friends. we invite our buddy jaegermeister to mingle with mr. tequila and the vodka twins. two more vodka tonics and a beer later, and we were ready to roll out to irving plaza for the built to spill show.

11:15 pm: built to spill starts to kick some serious ass, and the $5 budweiser cans beat the shit out of my bank account and liver in what i like to call "maybe the most kick ass live show i've ever seen in an intimate venue."

12:00 am: i proceed to drop a clove cigarette on the ground and soak a portion of it in beer, then attempt to light the filter. seemingly vanquished, i rip off the filter and smoke it au natural.

1 something: we go upstairs to some bar i can't remember the name of but like to call "the place where i had those vodka tonics that made me do the shit that i end up doing that i haven't told you about yet."

i think around 2 but who the hell knows: we end up at the thirsty scholar where i discover that the bartender is an old friend of mine from high school who i haven't talked to in about nine years. while talking with her i realize mike is talking to this totally hot chick who's name was "god, i'm such an idiot, why didn't i get that girl's phone number?" well, maybe that wasn't her name, but that what mike kept saying all weekend.

half past a monkey's ass: somehow, i ended up outside the bar, talking to some drunk hot chick (about what i have absolutely no idea). my next conscious thoughts are as follows: getting out of the cab with my friends and leaving her in it... going back to our friend's building to pick our stuff up that we'd left with the doorman... and then this happened --

roughly 6:45 am: i'm standing in front of a door trying to open it. strange that it wont open. i hear dogs barking. not really sure why. an old woman answers the door. this really hasn't struck me as being odd yet. after repeated attempts to convince her to let me use her bathroom, mike's friend, who we're staying with, comes and gets me, at which point i realize that i'm really not at all where i want to be. oh, apparently, on my way out of the apartment, i also stepped on mike's friend who had been sleeping on the floor because i comandeered his bed. i'm about as cool as aids.

Saturday 5/14

10:45 am: mike makes me wake up to go to the mets/cardinals game. my super ultra hangover does not want to cooperate.

12 pm: i eat the most satisfying hot dog and ice cream sundae of my life. thank you shea stadium.

4:30 pm: the mets lose. go figure.

the rest of the weekend: an outdoor barbecue and beer, talking to cute girls, the greatest shower i've ever taken, kick ass thai food, more live music, more drinking, more meeting a lot of mike's friends that i don't know, and more being out until 4 am.

man, i love new york... see you next weekend for mets/yankees and thievery corporation!

only thing i was disappointed about: we never got any white castle.

ok, i'll admit it. i like that kelly clarkson song. happy now?

anyway, sorry folks, i've been having a crazy week.

i went to the yankees game yesterday and watch them beat the mariners 12-9. tino martinez hit a home run for the fifth straight game, tying the game 9-9 with a three-run homer in the fourth inning. the only other yankees to ever hit homers in five straight? don mattingly and bill dickey. both of them have plaques in monument park...

tonight i get to go to driver retraining. ooh, i can't wait for the fun to begin. what a freaking joke.

tomorrow it's into NYC for the built to spill show. then on saturday i'm going to shea stadium for the first time ever to see the mets vs. the cardinals. even better, the next weekend i'll be at shea for mets-yankees!

hey, i know this post is lame, but i've barely had any time to do the things i really need to do, let alone blog...

later, kids.

but you say he's just a friend... but you sold it on ebay for $27.50... but your parents don't like "my kind"... but it certainly ain't no reese's peanut butter cup sundae... but nobody knows what the hell the yankees need... but it's all the way in austria... but you also have herpes, and i definitely don't need that... but i fed it to your pet guinea pig and killed him... OH BABY YOOUUUUUUU... but you don't have TP for my bunghole... if "what i need" is a killer right hook to the face... but you're hurting inside, aren't you... so get your ass over here goddamnit and let's play some halo 2 already... but i'm too busy doin' the neutron dance

which came first, the traffic or the road rage?

seriously, i don't get it. what is normally a 20 minute drive from my house to work, occasionally 30 if the traffic is bad, took me over an hour today. the culprit? a traffic jam. one of those slow, chinese water torture kind of traffic jams where you're always moving like two inches at a time. this is, of course, the worst kind of traffic jam because (a) you can't drive at the speed you'd like to be travelling, and (b) you're actually still moving, so you can't just put the car in park and stop paying attention altogether.

now, it's okay. i understand traffic happens. i accept that. what i don't accept is when traffic happens for no discernable reason. i mean, once i got on the highway i went about two or three miles and it took approximately 40 minutes. then, all of a sudden, as if tinkerbell just flew on by and sprinkled magic highway dust, the traffic jam was gone. there was not a large influx of cars trying to merge from the onramp, there was no accident, there was no police car checking for speeders. there was nothing. absolutely nothing. STUPID. YOU'RE SO STUUUUPIIIIIIID!!!

um, sorry, random uhf moment there...

but really, how did this traffic jam start? who's the moron that's the cause for all of this? because you know it's someone's fault. it was probably one of those idiots that gets on an onramp and then instead of actually building up speed so they can merge with traffic smoothly, they freak out and go about 35 because they're scared by the big mean cars on the black strip of death.

hello, everyone, and welcome to a special episode of piper's pit! here with me today are brutus "the barber" beefcake and "mean" gene okerlund.

great to be here roddy.

hey, roddy!

so, mene gene. did you see the new episode of family guy last night?

of course i did! i was definitely not disappointed. how about you, brutus?

i laughed my frikkin' ass off! i wonder if anyone else saw it...

what's up, brah! i saw it. stewie was classic! that little bugger is funny as hell.

i know, hitman! he's the funniest motherfucker on tv. oops, can i say "tv?"

well, i like brian the best. he's such a funny dog. that ass on the rug thing was great.

wait, you like the stupid dog better than stewie?

yeah. wanna make something of it?

bring it on, douchebag!

c'mon, boys, knock it off!

CAPTAIN LOU!!

that's right, sluts. the mothereffing captain is here.

looks like we got a good one brewing here, folks!

ooh, the captain, i'm shakin' in my feather boa.

omfg. it's adorable adonis. dude, your a fat blob who wears pink, get over it.

um, helllllllllooooooooooooo! pink is the new hotness for guys.

i've always been partial to pink, myself.

yeah, but you don't have a pussy nickname.

did somebody say "pussy?"

it's the junkyard dog!

konichiwa, bitches.

what up, dog? HAHA! "dog!" get it?

puny man not funny.

ANDRE THE GIANT!!!!!

it's not a tumah...

um, duder, i think that's schwarzenegger.

here is sub-zero. now PLAIN zero!

hey guys! um, why is andre talking like arnold?

look, everyone, it's ricky "the dragon" steamboat!

man, this is crazy! what's going on here? who's gonna show up next?

SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM!!!

oh no. someone seriously punch that dick.

i eat green berets for breakfast.

dude. weak.

so where are all the beautiful babies?

shit. the mouth of the south is here.

that's right, baby! wooooooo! me and the JYD are gonna get us some punani!

wu-tang respresent.

all right guys, seriously, this is starting to get out of control...

hey, brother!

hulkster?

i'm just here for all my little hulkamaniacs out there!

you've just been erased.

andre, you're not arnold and you can't act. knock the shit off.

at least i wasn't in mr. nanny you little pansy ass.

did someone say "pansy ass?"

koko, i swear, if that damn bird shits on me again, i'm gonna fry that little fucker.

but, roddy, i'm koko b. ware. this parrot is more than a mascot. he's my friend!

shut the fuck up, koko.

but...

SHUT THE FUCK UP, KOKO!!!!

by the power of grayskull, I HAVE THE POWER!!

...

...

...

crap. wrong show.

allrighty then. looks like that's all the time we have for today, folks. see you next time!

shit. you mean there's gonna be a "next time?"

i'll be back!