often have the strong desire to punch stupid people? never follow through with it? sometimes hate professional athletes specifically because i hate their video game counterparts? still haven't quit smoking cigs? think lindsay lohan is totally overexposed and overrated? would like to see hillary duff kick her ass in a bar brawl? definitely prefer blondes? think basic instinct is an awful awful awful movie? wish they would make a sledge hammer movie? could conceivably eat bacon at every meal for the rest of my life and not ever get sick of it? am from connecticut and hate all UConn sports teams? want to sit on my ass all day long and get paid for it? would drive halfway across the country just to go to cedar point? haven't been on one single roller coaster all summer long? enjoy pissing off morons? honestly believe that more often than not i am the only one on the road who really knows how to drive? would like to see a large group of nascar fans dropped from an airplane into a giant vat of hungry alligators? want any survivors dropped into a vat of pirhanas? want any further remaining survivors tied to a chair with their eyelids taped open and forced to watch survivor? didn't take any digital pictures of antwerp or amsterdam so i have nothing to show you from those cities? have to go to work in ten minutes so i'll put up pics of berlin later?

so i drank a little bit this weekend. okay, i drank a lot. but, it's both bogus and sad when you outdrink your friends who are drunk, and you're looking around thinking to yourself, i'm still sober enough to play pool. well.

not that i was sober, mind you. but i wasn't even hungover when i woke up yesterday morning. what the hell is that about?

i did, however, have one moment of joy which occurred outside of the bar on saturday night. actually, it was outside of the denver diner.

marcello and carrie were already there. i pulled into the parking lot. it was full. then i noticed out of my rear view mirror that someone behind me was pulling out, so i backed up a bit, put my blinker on and waited. when the car pulled out, it blocked me, momentarily, from pulling into the space. during that three seconds some fucker, who was perpendicular to me, steals my parking spot.

let me tell you something. i'm an east coast kid. you don't fuck with someone's parking spot. if you do, you're going to get sworn at, if not get your ass kicked. however, i am all of 5'8". i am not kicking anyone's ass. but i'm italian, and i'm angry, so you better believe i can talk.

so, as luck would have it, a parking spot right next to him opens up, so i take it. meanwhile, as i'm walking towards the diner, i say a few things about that fucking asshole which were not-so-under my breath. next thing i know, the stupid goat-ball-licker is yelling something at me across the parking lot. he catches up to me outside the diner and starts getting in my face.

long story short (too late), marcello came out because our table got called, and i went inside and ate.

as we got up to pay, the 5'3" boy who will most likely have a career driving a short bus got up from his table and went outside, presumably to "wait for me."

i went up to his friends and said, "is he serious?" to which one of them responded, "he's angry, maybe you should go apologize."

WHAT?!?

i can only assumed his friend realized how dumb he sounded, because right after i walked away he went outside to make sure his "would have trouble comprehending the content of highlights for children magazine" friend did not get hurt.

so, as we left, we just ignored the kid and walked past. of course he was still yelling shit and started to follow us around the corner. so, when we were just about to the car, i called him a "fucking piece of shit." just to be a dick about it.

pictures of the night's more tame events can be found at the first link above. follow it.

pictures of ghent, belgium are right here.




the castle of the counts. watch out for the big metal spider.


seriously, i forget what this is a picture of. i just thought the building looked cool. i'm also a stupid moron.


same french girl, different belgian city.

guess what, bitches? today is my birthday. a few of us will be out at the coral room this evening some time between five and six.

two for one appetizers, $1 off well drinks, and $2 drafts.

we will also be making our way to some sports bar type thing so i can watch the yankees whip up on the red sox again.

after that, who knows.

chances are it will involve me doing blow off a hooker's ass crack, shooting tequila up my nose and then squirting it out my eye, and traversing the city of denver looking for the ever elusive "mushroom fairy."

last night the roomies and i had a surreal evening at the lakeview lounge. the bar doesn't exactly have a web page, but clicking on that link will bring you to a site of one of their regular customers. that should give you a good idea of our night.

hope to see some of you out tonight!

you're not using a big enough stick... find someone smaller... try tying 'em up first... consider the fact that a feather duster may not be the best tool for the job... beat off... ask a friend to help out... just fuckin' shoot 'em... FOCUS... try using the metal side of the sledgehammer... consider mutilation instead... sit down with 'em and have a good long cry and let 'em know how much you hurt on the inside... have a dinner party and poision 'em... try replacing your bludgeoning instrument with folgers crystals... i said FOCUS... make 'em watch a ben affleck movie... start a meaningless war overseas because you have no ability to lead your own country in the right direction so you devise a way to trick the people into thinking that you are a good leader by finishing off something that your daddy wanted you to do but faield miserably... I SAID FUCKING FOCUS GODDAMNIT... purée 'em... eat some freaking spinach or something you pussy... stop trying to be funny when you ain't got nothin' left and just show 'em some pictures of bruges, belgium...

fine.

bruges is one of those places that you may not hear a lot about, but it is definitely in my top five most beautiful cities (out of the 27 i visited, anyway). i only have three digital pics, though. because i suck. and i don't have a scanner. because i'm cheap. so if you want to see more you can come over my house. if you're a cute girl. really cute.




ah... serenity and beauty amongst the hustle and bustle of brick lined sidewalks and busy cobblestone streets. sadly, the man pictured here was tragically killed seconds later by a supersonic waffle which was accidentally dropped off the top of a bell tower in a nearby church.

let's see... a beautiful french girl, picturesque Grote Markt, a canal cruise, and partying until 5 a.m. yeah, i hated it here.

like i said, only three pics, but i think all three give you the idea of how insanely cool bruges is.

i am officially employed now.

yes, it's another restaurant... yes, i'm tired of restaurant crap... yes, i would rather have another job.

but, the coral room is just about exactly what i would ask for in a restaurant employment situation.

first of all, it's totally relaxed. it's the complete opposite of il palio. i don't have to worry about "proper" service. for instance, if someone drops a fork on the ground, i can just go get a fork and hand it to them. no silverware plate. no napkin.

it's so nice to not have to deal with that kind of shit.

the owner is also a really cool guy. he's a young guy who never went to culinary school. he was just fortunate to have worked for some great chefs who were willing to teach him.

he's also a really chill. i mean, compare this guy to the owner of il palio, who was a maniacal, racist, sexist, homophobic, egotistic, cheating, lying, french asshole.

where do you think i'd rather work?

at il palio, i got yelled at a couple of times because after i was done with work and changed into my normal clothes, i was wearing a skull cap. the owner didn't like the skull cap so i couldn't wear it. if he didn't like the shirt i was wearing i couldn't drink at the bar like everyone else. he was constantly getting on my case about cutting my hair. he'd tell you to do something a certain way and then the next day he'd get pissed at you for doing it the way he told you.

at the coral room, i can wear whatever the hell i want, style my hair however the hell i want, and i'm not going to get yelled at for "improper coffee service."

suck my balls, il palio.

and the funny thing is, the "perks" that i got working for il palio, i still get at the coral room.

i get a staff meal, but this time it's at the end of the shift, when i'd much rather have it... i still get a free shift drink... i still don't have to work too late...

i feel like i'm in restaurant heaven.

even better, i'm working with people my age and waiting on people of all ages and types (as opposed to older people and businessmen).

it's hardly an ideal situation, because no matter how you slice it, it's still a restaurant. but i can't remember the last time i was happy to go into work. kind of scary, really.

oh, and it doesn't hurt that the owner is also a die-hard yankees fan.

anyway, moving on...

today's pictures are from brussels, belgium.

i don't care what anyone tells you, if you go to europe, spend a few days in brussels. it fucking rocks, man. i had so many people tell me they didn't like it and they thought it was boring. i don't know what city they were in but it sure as hell wasn't brussels. it's a must-see.




this is grand place, or grote markt, or market square, or anything else you feel like calling it.


for some reason, i was always in this square at dusk during a rainstorm. hence the not so great pictures.


this square has been called the most beautiful in the world by many people. i may have to agree.


i wish it wasn't raining in all these pictures. i got much better at taking pics as the trip went on...


just a little black & white photo.


this is the town hall. kinda shitty for a building that's only 600 years old, huh?


er, yeah. it's a peeing boy statue, or the Mannequin Pis if you wanna get all technical about it. this is apparently a big deal. people will even go so far as to make costumes for it (which are all on display at a nearby museum).


no, it's not a giant replica of anal beads gone horribly awry. it's the Atomium.


close up!


what trip to brussels would be complete without eating mussels?


of course, the beer is the main attraction. seriously. you've never been to a country that loves its beer until you've been to belgium.


see, i kinda was so ready to dig into this that i forgot to take a picture of it until i was like halfway through. what was it? it used to be a cute old furry bunny rabbit. i know... awwwwwww, poor bunny. hey, it's not my fault they're delicious. it's flanked by frites, and the king of all belgian beers. of course, if you can't make it to belgium, you can try the next best thing the next time you're in philly.

from september third through november third, it is my one year anniversary of leaving this fine continent and spending a good two months in western europe; the first time i've ever been overseas.

so, it's been a year, and many people i know who demanded i take lots of pictures (i ended up taking well over 1000) have not yet seen any of them due to my laziness and/or their disinterest.

well, seeing as how i have this here blog, and taking into consideration the short attention spans of most blog audiences, i thought i could use this space for some picture pages action, bill cosby style.

every day i will throw in some pictures from a new city. although i may split up the larger cities over several days, because i have so many pictures of them.

anyway, today i only have a couple of pics from luxembourg city. it is such a cool little city, and it is absolutely beautiful. if anyone is planning on going to europe in the near future, i highly recommend stopping here. it's only a three hour train ride from brussels, albeit a not so comfortable one. belgians may have mastered food and drink, but they have a lot to learn about travel comfort.

oh, and don't worry, i'm not going to strictly make this a "jon's european vacation" blog. i'll still write the same boring bullcrap that i always do. i'm just feeling lazy today.




hi, i'm the country you never heard of. i have almost no tourists here in the fall. total bonus.



i'm belgium's, france's, and germany's bitch. try living in between those three fucking assholes. it's about as much fun as getting a high colonic from rick astley.

barry bonds... any team that barry bonds plays for... people who use the word "metrosexual" and aren't making fun of it... about 90% of the people inside of any trendy bar/night club... the philadelphia eagles... the dallas cowboys... the indianapolis colts... the baltimore ravens... a lot of football teams, apparently... that most people prefer to watch football over baseball or hockey... ball point pens where the ball point gets jammed up inside the pen so it doesn't work correctly anymore and makes a really awful scratching sound... the boston red sox (shocking, i know)... the atlanta braves... the san francisco giants... the NBA... the stupid NHL owners... the greedy NHL players... polls that i put on my blog's sidebar which cause popups on my site... the new york rangers... the philadelphia flyers... the detroit red wings... the mighty ducks of anaheim for having such a pussy name and even worse jerseys... people who continue to drink themselves into their grave even after they've completely turned themselves into human jello... stupid retard morons who hold candlelight vigils and rallies for the brainless assholes who drank themselves into oblivion... "friends" of said drunkards who do not feel the need to step in and stop their friends from poisoning themselves... strawberry caprisun... writers who are being all dramatic and write three long sentences about a topical and controversial current event and then are stupid and write about something meaningless and asinine like fruit drinks... juicy juice (i only like my juice when it's 10% or less)... "real" macaroni and cheese... when i start a blog entry at like three o'clock in the afternoon and then get sidetracked to the point where i don't finish it for another five hours... forgetting that monday night football is on...

you know, when i started looking for restaurant/bar jobs, every friggin' place i went into gave me the whole "oh, we just hired someone" routine. then, all of a sudden, like a nipple that excretes beer, i've become pleasantly surprised.

three different places want to hire me.

il fornaio will be ready to hire me on monday, barring some ungodly act. the coral room, on 32nd street, first shot me down, and then called me up yesterday to see if i could come in because a couple of shifts opened up. i should've told them to go fuck themselves, but it's only a couple minutes from my house, so that would've just been stupid.

lastly, the pour house in lodo asked me to work the door tomorrow night, and told me they would have some part time bartending stuff for me. that would be nice.

has anyone hit up oktoberfest? is it any good? does it totally suck bee vomit? i am thinking about going on sunday...

tonight, however, it's espnzone for me and the roomies. i, as you might know, am somewhat of a new york yankees fan. carrie, on the other hand, wastes her time and roots for the red sucks. marcello, well... he just likes to be a dick and roots against whatever team is winning at the time. it's ok, he's a phillies fan. god bless anyone who roots for a philly sports team...

any yankees fans which would like to come down and cheer on the correct team are welcome to do so. any red sox fans which would like to watch their team fold like a cheap futon mattress are also invited.

marcello informed me tonight that the world is minus another ramone. yes, boys and girls, johnny ramone is no more. the last remaining of the "brothers" ramone is tommy. it's sad enough when someone like dee dee ramone dies from a drug overdose, but to lose both joey and johnny to the big C is nothing short of tragic. every time i hear joey singing "what a wonderful world," which he practically recorded on his death bed, it gets to me a little bit.

bad news for hetero guys everywhere...

today just isn't a good day for good news, what can i say.

continuing with that trend, it's offical now. there will be no NHL season.

to remedy the pain that will be caused by (a) having no hockey season, and (b) being forced to choose between watching NBA games or splitting my chest open with a plasma cutter, i would like to suggest an alternative -- how about an NHL2005 league?

it's just a thought. let me know if you're interested. it could be fun. much alcohol would be involved, naturally.

of course, we could always play real hockey, but that would require exercise and coordination. and it's a hell of a lot easier to knock back a frosty one in the comfort of someone's living room than when getting your ribs cracked by a cross check.

speaking of hockey, i know that this guy was probably super excited that team canada won the whole world cup deal, but shouldn't he have noticed that something was missing?

and what about this friggin' idiot? if only the restaurant knew that you have to call it a "service charge" those waiters wouldn't have gotten dicked. regardless, i think it's awesome that the restaurant went ahead and sued him anyway just for being an asshole.

also, i am here to announce that chocolate oreos fucking rock.

finally, some good news...

now where are the reports that show french fries cure cancer, video games reduce the risk of heart attacks, and masturbation increases life span?

then my life will be complete...

(quick note... type in, without the quotation marks, "french fries cure cancer" into google and see what happens. i think it's pretty funny.)

it's not even been four weeks that i've been in denver, but things are going really well for me here (with the exception of still being unemployed). i'm not going to get all mushy on all y'all, but i gotta say thank you to those of you who have helped me out and befriended a total stranger and newbie.

this girl is the motherfuckin' bomb, and she's recovering from being sliced open. send her some love, yo.

you're my boy, blue...

if i couldn't live in denver i'd move to hubsville.

i just recently met him and her, and i have to say that they rock.

i also owe thanks to this dude for thoughtfully linking me the other day, and a college buddy of mine who, although a republican, is still a decent human being.

last, and certainly not least, i owe a huge thank you to fellow redskins fan, the thigh master, for giving me props. it definitely was unexpected and very much appreciated!

it's my intention to keep improving this blog as much as possible. if you have any suggestions/criticisms, please let me know. thanks everyone...

NFC EAST
philadelphia eagles -- this team is like the terrible pear infused gin, beefeater wet. because "wet" is exactly what eagles fans are going to do to their pants after they lose the NFC title game for the fourth straight year.
washington redskins -- plymouth gin would best represent this team. plymouth is the best gin i've ever tasted, and the redskins are the greatest football team ever. plymouth is uncomparably smooth, and so is joe gibbs. hail to the king, baby.
dallas cowboys -- boodles is a really terrible british gin. don't drink it. the dallas cowboys are pure, concentrated evil. don't root for them.
new york giants -- i'll compare them to beefeater, which is your average, run of the mill, not going to offend anybody gin. although, in the giants' case, it should be called turfeater, because that's what their quarterbacks are going to be doing all season.

NFC NORTH
minnesota vikings -- they might as well be some generic, god awful gin that comes in a plastic bottle. seems like a good idea at the time because it's cheap, and then you start choking on it because it's so rancid. similarly, the vikings know a lot about choking.
green bay packers -- the gordon's gin of the NFL. old school and well respected, even if there are better products out there.
detroit lions -- kind of like seagram's gin. anyone else remember those seagram's wine cooler commercials with bruce willis? or those bartles and james guys? what about zima? that stuff blows... oh, um, right. the lions. yeah, they're not very good. but they're better than chicago.
chicago bears -- this is going to be one of the worst teams the bears have had in a while. and van gogh gin is one of the most overpriced, not worth your time gins money can buy.

NFC SOUTH
atlanta falcons -- similar to the very tasty and ultra smooth gin, tanqueray ten. the falcons should at least have the "ten" part in common, because they should win at least that many games.
carolina panthers -- citadelle gin is the best gin you've never heard of. just like how the panthers came out of nowhere to smack the NFC upside the head last year. the panthers, and the gin, are both still good.
tampa bay buccaneers -- this whole division is tough to pick. none of these teams are bad, and any of them could be outstanding. tampa's defense is still top notch, and reminds me of fruit flavored jenever, which is a dutch/flemish gin that is high in alcohol content, tastes awesome, and will kick your ass.
new orleans saints -- another average team in a tough division. they could finish last, as i'm predicting, or first. tanqueray (that's tanQueray, not tanGueray) is an average gin. you certainly can't go wrong with it. nobody who likes gin would refuse it.

NFC WEST
seattle seahawks -- this is the bombay sapphire of the NFC. they have the offense and the defense to compete with any team in the league. sapphire has the taste, price, and popularity to compete with any gin on the market.
arizona cardinals -- they're like sloe gin. because if this organization was in school, it would definitely be the "slow" kid.
st. louis rams -- my how the mighty have fallen. you know it's bad when you get picked to finish below the cardinals. they've had so much success over the years that everyone expects them to do well. but, hendrick's gin is really expensive so everyone think it's going to be really great, but it's not any better than gins you could pay $15 less for.
san francisco 49ers -- kind of like bombay gin. forgotten about because of better prodcuts. bombay is overshadowed by it's sapphire counterpart, and the 49ers are dwarfed by, well, all the other teams in the NFC. they pretty much are going to win like four games this year.

my pick for the NFC champion this year is the seattle seahawks.

super bowl pick: seahawks over the patriots.

what gins should you stock your bar with? i'd go with plymouth and whatever you prefer out of the bombay/tanqueray family. if you can find jenever, definitely get some, but it's not going to be easy.

that's it for the liquor. i'd go into whiskey and scotch and all that, but i don't know crap about it. honestly, i'm pushing it with the rum and gin. i could go into beer, but i'd have to start a whole new blog just for that, and then i'd really sound like a snob...

marcello and i had some good games of NHL 2004 tonight. i gave him a couple of ass beatings before he beat me 8-7 in OT (after i came back from a 7-3 deficit in the third period...arg) and 7-5.

i'm telling you right now, the computer scores some really cheap goals in NHL 2004. i was beating team canada with team austria 4-3 with one minute to go in the game, when my defenseman decided to have an epileptic seizure while standing next to the net with the puck, and he knocked it in his own goal. then the computer scored another cheap one about 30 seconds later. i was robbed, but i shall return...

speaking of returning, it's nice to see this guy back in action.

and if you want to try a neat game out, go here.

hmmm. what to write about? football season has just started, and i want to talk about that. but i've had a couple requests for a blog entries about gin and rum. how can i possibly decide between the two?!

unless...

unless i can find a way to combine pro football with getting drunk off of hard liquor...

AFC EAST
new england patriots -- the captain morgan private stock of the AFC. private stock is a rich, flavorful spiced rum worth every penny, and the patriots are rich with talent.
new york jets -- they're good, just like regular old captain morgan spiced rum. maybe not as highly touted as the better one, but still gonna satisfy more people than they let down.
miami dolphins -- like the malibu flavored rums, the dolphins are good and bad. the coconut one is always solid, but the weird mango one tastes like flipper's blowhole mucus.
buffalo bills -- comparable to bacardi silver rum. it's there if you want it, but it was so thirteen years ago. just like scott norwood's career.

AFC NORTH
baltimore ravens -- just like myers rum, ravens are dark. and this team's defense puts out the light on opposing offenses.
cincinnati bengals -- kuya rum tries really hard to be captain morgan, just like the bengals try really hard to be good. except they both suck.
cleveland browns -- ever heard of ciclón rum? it's this awful crap that's mixed with tequila. wanna know how it tastes? here's a clue: think of something that's the same color as the nickname of this team.
pittsburgh steelers -- parrot bay is not very good flavored rum. the steelers are a not very good football team. the connection is just that simple.

AFC SOUTH
indianapolis colts -- like bacardi 151, this offense can set things on fire. you want a flaming drink? use 151. you want a flaming football player? they dont get more gay than peyton manning.
tennessee titans -- since we're on the whole gay theme, the titans are like mount gay rum. one of the best out there, but i'm still not sure why anyone would want to climb on top of gay rum.
jacksonville jaguars -- anyone who's ever made a caipirinha knows that you need pitú brazilian rum for the job. unfortunately, that's about the only thing it's good for. what does this have to do with the jaguars football team? hell if i know.
houston texans -- cruzan flavored rums are about as smooth as a new yorker standing naked in the middle of a public square in dallas yelling out profanities about george w. bush. oh, and the texans aren't very good either.

AFC WEST
denver broncos -- hey, i'm not stupid. i live here now. the broncos are really good. they're the barbancourt rhum of the AFC. superior in quality, yet often is unnoticed and underappreciated.
kansas city chiefs -- obviously, with those bright red uniforms, the chiefs can only be compared to redrum. no, wait, i meant redrum.
san diego chargers -- i "charge" bacardi flavored rums with being delicious! HAHA! woo! (wipes away tears from eyes) whew... now that was funny.
oakland raiders -- i hate the raiders with a passion and i hope al davis burns in hell for all of eternity. um... and castillo rum sucks.

when it comes down to it, the AFC champion will be the patriots. again.

when it comes to stocking your bar, get captain morgan, mount gay, malibu coconut, and some kind of banana rum.

as you can tell, i know nothing about rum. i don't really drink it very often. oh well. i tried.

tomorrow i will review the NFC and that wonderful spirit made from the juniper berry -- gin.

before i get back to my alcohol nonsense, i just want you to click on this link. look at the stats on the right hand side. now, commence bashing your head into a wall.

first of all, 52% of people have a favorable opinion of bush, while 51% have a favorable opinion of kerry.

this means that 52% of the country is legally retarded.

here's what proves my point.

bush is beating kerry 47% to 46%
bush has a 51% job approval rating
50% think bush is a better leader.
51% trust bush more on national defense issues
46% rather have bush handling the economy (kerry has a slim lead over bush here with 47%)
52% think we're winning the war on terror
45% think bush is doing a good job in iraq (as opposed to 41% thinking he's doing a bad job)
41% think bush is handling the economy well (41% also think he's not)

yet, when asked the question "are things in this country generally going in the right direction?" 56% of the people who answered it said NO.

exsqueeze me? baking powder?

how can 56% of the same people who voted on every other question possibly think that this country is headed in the wrong direction but favor bush in almost every category?

also, 46% of people say they rather have bush handling the economy, but only 41% of people think that bush is doing a good job with the economy, and 67% think the economy is in fair or poor shape... WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE SMOKING?

i seriously need to go punch someone.

a spanish title? that can only mean one thing. that's right, boys and girls, tequila.

before i rate the tequilas, i will offer my own recipe for the perfect margarita. it's really a simple thing. you mix 1.5 oz. of tequila, 1.5 oz. of triple sec, 2 oz. of sour mix, and 1 oz. of rose's lime juice. shake vigorously. that's it.

obviously, a better tequila will yield a better margarita. as will using freshly squeezed lime juice (sweetened). some people swear that cointreau or grand marnier will make the margarita better, but i think the difference is negligible at best. it's not worth the price difference.

oh, and by the way, cool people drink margaritas with salt on the rim. don't be a pussy.

rather than list tequilas by producer, i will list them by type. it's easier to compare them this way.

gold: gold tequilas generally are crap. at least that's what i've found. they are the cheapest, and usually work fine when used in mixed drinks like margaritas or tequila sunrises. gold tequilas usually are mixed with other ingredients, such as caramel, to change the color and taste. don't do shots of this shit. seriously. if you wanna do shots, spend some extra cash and get yourself a nice tequila. you will notice a HUGE difference. examples of gold tequilas would be jose cuervo or sauza. if you really must get a gold tequila, go with herradura. at least it's decent.

silver: these tequilas are generally good, and not as expensive as the really good stuff. they tend to be a little bit smoother and taste better than the gold tequilas (although, drinking my own urine would taste better than many gold tequilas, so that's not saying much). patron silver and sauza tres generaciones are both decent, but don julio is one of the best silver tequilas that i've had. do NOT buy cabo wabo. it's sami haggar's tequila. do i need to say more?

reposado: tequilas that are aged in oak barrels for anywhere between a couple months and a year. these are very good, and tend to be a bit pricey. if you want a nice tequila, though, this is certainly a good way to go. again, i'd stay away from cabo wabo, but, really, you can't go wrong with just about any of these. chances are, the more expensive it is, the better it's going to be. gran centenario makes a good one, as does patron, and don julio. i think that sauza hornitos probably gives you the most bang for your buck.

añejo: these are the best tequilas money can buy. they are aged in oak barrels for at least a year, and are kick ass. even the crappy ones, like 1800 añejo, are still going to be better than most gold and silver tequilas. again, with these, the more expensive ones tend to be better. gran centenario añejo is an excellent tequila that does not cost as much as the super expensive ones. the really amazing super expensive shit is in a league of it's own, and is not meant to be slugged down in one gulp. if you're not going to drink it slowly and enjoy it, you're wasting your money. normally, i would put something totally inappropriate and funny here, but i'll give you a break today.

also, there are strange tequilas out there. patron, for example, makes a tequila which is mixed with kahlua. it's damn tasty.

stock your bar with: a gold tequila (for margaritas), a good silver tequila (for shots or better margaritas), and a mid-priced reposado or less expensive añejo. if you can afford to buy more tequilas and taste some of the super expensive ones, you suck and i hate you.

really, when it comes to tequilas, no matter what type you get, the same producers generally make the best products in all categories. generally, you want to stay away from cuervo or sauza, unless you are making margaritas, in which case, it all depends on how tasty you want your margaritas to be and how good your bartending skills are. the worse the bartender, the more a good tequila will make up for it.

for shots, you can't go wrong with patron, don julio, gran centenario, and herradura. they're all quality tequilas, and basically just comes down to a matter of personal preference.

the best way to find out which ones you like is to go to your local tequila bar, and get fucking shitfaced. if you can't remember anything the next morning, do it again. just keep repeating the process until you've educated yourself, or your blood has been replaced with 100% agave.

since i never have anything of real value to talk about on this blog, i decided that i would put my bartending knowldge to good use, and perform a valuable service for the seven of you who read this thing. i am going to give my opinion (which is irrefutably the most important and educated one in the world) about different types of liquors.

today: vodka.

basically, i have come to the decision that there are two types of vodka drinkers. those who like the more harsh, flavorful ones such as stoli, ketel one, belvedere, and chopin, and those who prefer the smoother, more subtle ones, such as grey goose, vox, skyy, and van hoo.

there are also the people who like absolut, but they are idiots and don't fall into either category. therefore they do not like vodka, so this guide is useless to them.

i am the type of person who likes a smoother drink, so, if you are the opposite of me, just take everything i say and reverse it so it becomes relevant to your tastes.

anyway...

absolut: absolute shit. haha, aren't i clever. the flavored ones are fine for mixed drinks. the raspberry and pepper flavors are best. seriously, though, regular absolut tastes like licking an alligator's asshole.

belvedere: i hate this vodka. i think it's way overrated and not worth the money at all. it's too harsh and does not have a pleasant flavor. the flavored versions are abolutely gross, unless you like the taste of lemon pledge.

charbay: this vodka is so bad in all regards it's hard to classify it. imagine if you bought a mercedes m-class and then found out the engine was rebuilt from a busted yugo. this vodka is really expensive, but at least it has the decency to go down your throat like a blood orange flavored iraqi sandstorm. avoid at all costs.

chopin: this is even worse than belvedere. not surprisingly, it's manufactured by the same company. it's a potato vodka, which means it's harsher and tastes worse. there are also flavored ones which are ghastly.

cîrac: i don't like vodkas with letters that have hats on them.

effen: this dutch vodka is my favorite vodka to order in a restaurant or bar. not only do you get to ask the bartender for some "F'in" vodka, but it tastes good too. try the black cherry one with seltzer or coke. these can be dangerous...

finlandia: it doesn't really matter what i think. nobody really drinks this anymore. it's been forgotten. they have a cranberry vodka which is ok but kind of useless.

grey goose: this vodka is pretty good. it's really smooth and is totally drinkable by itself. i'd recommend it with a twist. it is, however, really expensive, and you can probably find just as good a vodka for cheaper. good for impressing chicks, though. the flavored ones are also good, but flavored vodkas are silly to spend a lot of money on.

ketel one: ketel one is nasty. the citrus flavor is tolerable, but not great. it doesn't even come in a cool bottle. gack.

level: hey, absolut is making a premium shitty vodka now! awesome. i'd rather drink my own pee... with a wedge of lime, of course.

mezzaluna: being from an italian background, i tend to find many things from italy superior. sadly, vodka isn't one of them. this vodka is what really killed mussolini. almost makes grappa seem smooth.

rain: made in kentucky, but actually pretty good. it comes in a neat raindrop shaped bottle and isn't too expensive. totally worth buying. also easy to use as object for bludgeoning someone to death.

skyy: the ultimate vodka. super cheap, very good, comes in a cool bottle. sometimes you can even get 2 bottles of this for the price of one grey goose (same with drinks in bars). i drink it dirty (with olive juice). the flavors are also good. the citrus one is the best around and is even good straight. the only bad flavor is the spice one. i mean, spiced vodka? sorry, gimme the captain instead...

smirnoff: pretty bad, but at least it's cheap. the 100 proof version is perfect, however, if you are going to have a party and plan on making some kind of punch drink or kool-aid drink thingy. my suggestion: 100 proof smirnoff, lemonade, and watermelon pucker. people will have no idea what the hell hit them. also, the flavored ones are cheaper than stoli and taste almost identical.

stolichnaya: crap. the regular one is garbage. the flavored ones are good, but the cheaper versions from reputable brand names are just as good. unless you need coffee or cinnamon vodka, or have the need to have all of the flavors of stoli vodka just so it looks cool (which, admittedly, it would) then you don't need to get stoli.

thor's hammer: really smooth vodka with absoutely no flavor at all. that's fine and all, but unless you are going to use it as a mixer and make a really strong drink that doesn't taste it, it's kind of silly to waste so much money on this. i'm not saying it's bad, but it's like spending money on the $500 hooker when the one that costs $250 will suck your dick just as well.

turi: another good vodka, albeit a little pricey. the bottle is really cool, though, so if you want to try something new, it's worth it.

van hoo: belgian vodka. hard to find, but kick ass. my favorite vodka that i've ever drank. then again, i have a hard on for beglian food and drink. whatever... victory is mine!

vox: a personal favorite of mine. makes the best martinis. it is a little pricey, but if you want to make a super smooth chocolate martini, or a kick ass raspberry cosmo, or whatever... this is the vodka to get. the regular one is about the smoothest vodka around, and costs about the same as grey goose or belvedere (and less than thor's hammer).

stock your bar with: skyy, skyy citrus, vox, vox raspberry, smirnoff orange, effen black cherry, and absolut peppar.

i know i have a tendency to ramble on and write long blog entries, so i'll stop here. obviously there are many more vodkas than this. but i'd be here forever.

undoubtedly, some of you will disagree with my opinions, and therefore you are wrong. but, feel free to lambaste me just the same. it's okay, i probably don't like you anyway...

you cannot match my mlb slugfest 2003 skillz... posers need not apply... i was looking for a job today online so i called up a bunch of different places and phones kept ringing and ringing and i was getting answering machines and i was wondering what the hell was going on until i suddenly realized that today is freaking labor day... it figures that i finally get the motivation to seriously look for jobs online and i can't freaking get in touch with anyone... i promise i will not post any more serious political crap until the elections are over... i need a job really badly but i am being stupid and not applying at restaurants because i REALLY don't want to work as a waiter or bartender anymore and i REALLY want to have normal hours like everyone else and i REALLY need the money because i'm practically broke and i REALLY should shutup and move on to something else... the yankees will win tonight and the red sox will lose... i lost two memory cards to my ps2 and it's kind of annoying... i make a damn good pork chop with mustard sauce and basil mashed potatoes... i have a friggin' headache because i drank too much too early yesterday and i can't get a good night's sleep for the life of me since i moved here... i still like tequila, regardless... the taste of colorado doesn't bother me nearly as much as a lot of the other people here even though it's kind of small and i bought too many tickets and the only ride worth going on is a fucking rip-off because it will cost you over $10 to go on it and the whole festival blocks off the main part of downtown which makes it a pain in the frikkin' ass to get anywhere... ok, maybe it does kind of suck... i'm trying to use as little punctuation as possible right now... i need to get out of this house today or i'll feel like a complete loser... bye.

i just got this in an e-mail from my dad. normally, i don't bother to read forwards, but since this is an actual excerpt from an actual book written by an actual author, i wanted to share it with anyone who is interested:

We're Not in Lake Wobegon Anymore.
By Garrison Keillor, "In These Times", Thursday 26 August 2004

Something has gone seriously haywire with the Republican Party. Once, it was the party of pragmatic Main Street businessmen in steel-rimmed spectacles who decried profligacy and waste, were devoted to their communities and supported the sort of prosperity that raises all ships. They were good-hearted people who vanquished the gnarlier elements of their party, the paranoid Roosevelt-haters, the flat Earthers and Prohibitionists, the antipapist antiforeigner element. The genial Eisenhower was their man, a genuine American hero of D-Day, who made it OK for reasonable people to vote Republican. He brought the Korean War to a stalemate, produced the Interstate Highway System, declined to rescue the French colonial army in Vietnam, and gave us a period of peace and prosperity, in which (oddly) American arts and letters flourished and higher education burgeoned - and there was a degree of plain decency in the country. Fifties Republicans were giants compared to today's. Richard Nixon was the last Republican leader to feel a Christian obligation toward the poor.

In the years between Nixon and Newt Gingrich, the party migrated southward down the Twisting Trail of Rhetoric and sneered at the idea of public service and became the Scourge of Liberalism, the Great Crusade Against the Sixties, the Death Star of Government, a gang of pirates that diverted and fascinated the media by their sheer chutzpah, such as the misty-eyed flag-waving of Ronald Reagan who, while George McGovern flew bombers in World War II, took a pass and made training films in Long Beach. The Nixon moderate vanished like the passenger pigeon, purged by a legion of angry white men who rose to power on pure punk politics. 'Bipartisanship is another term for date rape,' says Grover Norquist, the Sid Vicious of the GOP. 'I don't want to abolish government. I simply want to reduce it to the size where I can drag it into the bathroom and drown it in the bathtub.' The boy has Oedipal problems and government is his daddy.

The party of Lincoln and Liberty was transmogrified into the party of hairy-backed swamp developers and corporate shills, faith-based economists, fundamentalist bullies with Bibles, Christians of convenience, freelance racists, misanthropic frat boys, shrieking midgets of AM radio, tax cheats, nihilists in golf pants, brownshirts in pinstripes, sweatshop tycoons, hacks, fakirs, aggressive dorks, Lamborghini libertarians, people who believe Neil Armstrong's moonwalk was filmed in Roswell, New Mexico, little honkers out to diminish the rest of us, Newt's evil spawn and their Etch-A-Sketch president, a dull and rigid man suspicious of the free flow of information and of secular institutions, whose philosophy is a jumble of badly sutured body parts trying to walk. Republicans: The No.1 reason the rest of the world thinks we're deaf, dumb and dangerous.

Rich ironies abound! Lies pop up like toadstools in the forest! Wild swine crowd round the public trough! Outrageous gerrymandering! Pocket lining on a massive scale! Paid lobbyists sit in committee rooms and write legislation to alleviate the suffering of billionaires! Hypocrisies shine like cat turds in the moonlight! O Mark Twain, where art thou at this hour? Arise and behold the Gilded Age reincarnated gaudier than ever, upholding great wealth as the sure sign of Divine Grace.

Here in 2004, George W. Bush is running for reelection on a platform of tragedy - the single greatest failure of national defense in our history, the attacks of 9/11 in which 19 men with box cutters put this nation into a tailspin, a failure the details of which the White House fought to keep secret even as it ran the country into hock up to the hubcaps, thanks to generous tax cuts for the well-fixed, hoping to lead us into a box canyon of debt that will render government impotent, even as we engage in a war against a small country that was undertaken for the president's personal satisfaction but sold to the American public on the basis of brazen misinformation, a war whose purpose is to distract us from an enormous transfer of wealth taking place in this country, flowing upward, and the deception is working beautifully.

The concentration of wealth and power in the hands of the few is the death knell of democracy. No republic in the history of humanity has survived this.The election of 2004 will say something about what happens to ours. The omens are not good.

Our beloved land has been fogged with fear - fear, the greatest political strategy ever. An ominous silence, distant sirens, a drumbeat of whispered warnings and alarms to keep the public uneasy and silence the opposition. And in a time of vague fear, you can appoint bullet-brained judges, strip the bark off the Constitution, eviscerate federal regulatory agencies, bring public education to a standstill, stupefy the press, lavish gorgeous tax breaks on the rich.

There is a stink drifting through this election year. It isn't the Florida recount or the Supreme Court decision. No, it's 9/11 that we keep coming back to. It wasn't the 'end of innocence,' or a turning point in our history, or a cosmic occurrence, it was an event, a lapse of security. And patriotism shouldn't prevent people from asking hard questions of the man who was purportedly in charge of national security at the time.

Whenever I think of those New Yorkers hurrying along Park Place or getting off the No.1 Broadway local, hustling toward their office on the 90th floor, the morning paper under their arms, I think of that non-reader George W. Bush and how he hopes to exploit those people with a little economic uptick, maybe the capture of Osama, cruise to victory in November and proceed to get some serious nation-changing done in his second term.

This year, as in the past, Republicans will portray us Democrats as embittered academics, desiccated Unitarians, whacked-out hippies and communards, people who talk to telephone poles, the party of the Deadheads.They will wave enormous flags and wow over and over the footage of firemen in the wreckage of the World Trade Center and bodies being carried out and they will lie about their economic policies with astonishing enthusiasm.

The Union is what needs defending this year. Government of Enron and by Halliburton and for the Southern Baptists is not the same as what Lincoln spoke of. This gang of Pithecanthropus Republicanii has humbugged us to death on terrorism and tax cuts for the comfy and school prayer and flag burning and claimed the right to know what books we read and to dump their sewage upstream from the town and clear-cut the forests and gut the IRS and mark up the constitution on behalf of intolerance and promote the corporate takeover of the public airwaves and to hell with anybody who opposes them.

This is a great country, and it wasn't made so by angry people. We have a sacred duty to bequeath it to our grandchildren in better shape than however we found it. We have a long way to go and we're not getting any younger.

Dante said that the hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who in time of crisis remain neutral, so I have spoken my piece, and thank you, dear reader. It's a beautiful world, rain or shine, and there is more to life than winning.

Garrison Keillor is the host and writer of A Prairie Home Companion, now in its 25th year on the air. This excerpt is from Keillor's new book, Homegrown Democrat.

i couldn't have said it any better, so why bother trying.

okay red sox fans, i know you're all ready to just about cream yourselves right now, what with the yankees playing like crap and all. and yes, your team is playing great, and has won 19 out of their last 23 games. i certainly can't deny what is true.

what i can do, however, is quietly sit here and take the abuse that you're all giving me.

see, i don't care. go ahead and say what you will. i have history on my side.

here's the difference between yankee fans and red sox fans.

sox fans get all hyped whenever their team is doing well. as soon as the team is close to catching/beating the yankees, sox fans go crazy and start yapping to yankees fans.

hey, that's fine. i understand. that's what a rivalry is all about... when you're on the losing side of it.

contrarily, yankees fans get animated when our team isn't doing well. i mean, right now, i'm pretty pissed. it's not fun to see them lose 22-0. but i am not going to fight with the silly red sox fans who are giving me a hard time.

here's why...

#1) i'm not going to trash talk when my team has given up seven games in two weeks. i'm not stupid.

#2) do you think that i am really worried about the red sox? maybe come playoff time i might be. that is, if the red sox even make the playoffs.

this is why i just want to laugh whenever sox fans get all up in my grill, yo. i mean, i'd rather just sit there and take it, and then let them feel like complete morons in october. it's more enjoyable to watch them suffer like that.

that's why red sox fans hate yankees fans so much. because we don't have to say anything.
yet, they continue to make it worse by feeding the cycle.

you would think they'd get it... that if they would just shutup and wait until their team actually accomplished something, then they could say whatever they wanted.

but no. they just keep making it worse for themselves, and at the same time more enjoyable for yankees fans.

so, go ahead and give us your best shot red sox fans. we've certainly been giving you ours for the last 86 years.

this is from a couple weeks ago, but it is a perfect example of why i have such a huge problem with catholicism.