i couldn't go the entire month of august without writing something, so here i am.

my computer's still effed up, my job still sucks, and i still live at home. so not much has changed. but i'm still a sarcastic bastard, so at least i have that going for me...

TOP SEVEN THINGS THAT NEED TO GO AWAY IN A HURRY BEFORE I GO COMPLETELY INSANE AND SINGE MY NIPPLES OFF:

7. those snoop dog/lee iaccoca commercials. i mean, holy shit. hey, you know what, snoop? i know you're like the coolest dude ever and created your own language and stuff, but here's the thing: it's not clever and/or funny anymore. i mean, true, it's awesome that your stizzle is recognizzle and you like to smoke marujizzle when your taking a fucking shizzle (make sure to shake your pizzle so you don't drizzle all over the flizzle), but seriously... shut the fuck up. when you're doing a commercial with lee iaccoca and it's worse than the one with jason "what the eff happened to me after seinfeld" alexander, maybe it's time to rethink your level of coolness.

6. "experts" who think the yankees are not going to make the playoffs. hi there. i'm a hole in the ground. over there? that's your ass. just in case you weren't aware...

5. customers who call near the end of the day and demand extremely difficult-to-find items be delivered to a site about 90 minutes away by 7 am the next morning. go lick a goat ass. seriously. fuck you.

4. people who think there shouldn't be fighting in hockey. um, excuise me? baking powder? hockey is a great game, and it's an even better game with fighting. there was a time when tough guys would go at it on the ice without fear of getting tossed from the game. this meant that they didn't have to try and be sneaky if they wanted to kick the crap out of someone. all they had to do was go up to a guy drop his gloves and start throwing haymakers. nowadays, players are afraid they'll get thrown out of a game, or give the other team a power play, or hurt their team in some way. so instead of fighting, they wait until the ref's back is turned and they cheap shot the crap out of someone. yeah, that's much better.

3. assholes who blog for months and then stop all of a sudden without fair warning. what kind of inconsiderate douche nozzle would do something like that? what a fucking asshole.

2. people who think that just because they get married or have a birthday that i'm supposed to, like, go to the wedding and be in their wedding party, or call them on their birthday and wish them a happy one. damn, people, i'm busy.

1. those fucking french fucks. you know, i fucking defended those bastards when they spoke out and said that they didn't want to be a part of the iraq war and wanted to sip wine and eat foie gras on the champs-elysees with their stupid effing berrets and have sex with their hairy-armpitted women. but when you start fucking with lance armstrong, you can shove that fucking ham and cheese crepe right up your ass. even if lance did test positive in '99, he has tested negative for the past 6 years. so, even if you take that one away, he's still won more than anyone else, and he's still an american, and he's still fucking sheryl crow. and if he wasn't fucking sheryl crow, he'd be shaving all your womens' legs and then fucking them. and while you're still being a retard and deliberately peeling layer after delicate layer off of your buttery croissant, making humming noises of satisfaction, i'm shoving a greasy god damn bacon, sausage and cheese crossan'wich down my gullet and satisfyingly burping in your face and farting on your foofy fucking dog. so bite me.

Labels: France, Lists, Rants