what is it that makes me so freaking lazy when it comes to writing? i always have something to say about pretty much everything. i just don't understand why sitting down in front of a computer sucks all the desire to write out of my body.

i am determined to change my ways. i will make this blog a part of me.

in fact, i was going to use this space to bitch about clear channel communications, and what a load of crap it is that they "fired" howard stern. oh, and for the record, i hate howard stern. i don't think he's very funny, and i rarely find his show entertaining. yet, i still support his right to be on the air. but, that rant will have to wait. i need to figure out what my problem is, or, rather, how to solve it.

the problem is identifiable: severe lack of motivation. a solution, however, continues to be elusive.

this is not a new issue. from my first days of third grade when i realized the word "homework" meant that i had to do "work" at "home," all the way through college, and up to today, i have had little impetus to do much of anything.

you have no idea how bad it is. the fact that i went to europe is huge. for me to do something like that is unbelievable. the countless hours of preparation and research that i did, the thousands of dollars that i saved, and the organizational skills that i exhibited in planning the first couple weeks of the trip all amaze me.

that was not jon. i rarely put that kind of dedication into anything, including video games, and i do enjoy my playstation 2.

here's my point, though. i enjoyed that trip tremendously. i will talk about europe to anyone who will listen for more than five seconds, and even to people who won't. i could sit down with someone and go through every picture i took from my entire trip (which is about 1200 of them) and still have the energy to talk some more when i'm done. but as soon as it comes to putting my pictures in an album, i think to myself, "nah, i don't feel like it right now." it's been almost four months since the end of my trip, and i still haven't put one damn picture into an album.

why? what is stopping me? i always have reasons.

there are a couple of cities i don't have any prints of. so i have to order them online and have them sent to me. also, i still have a disposable camera that i need to get developed which has most of my pictures of nimes on it.

um, that's it. those are the huge obstacles that are stopping me from putting my photo album together. the digital prints take all of two days to be shipped to my house. the camera costs all of seven or eight bucks to be developed. and for some reason, i can't seem to get my ass out of the house to develop the camera. even worse, i can't even get my ass that's already inside the house to take ten seconds and order the prints of the pictures online! something is not right in jonland.

hopefully, this step is the first one for me to get myself on track. i would use the term "back," but that would imply that at some point previously i was on the track and fell off, when, in reality, i was never on it in the first place.

the good news about all of this is that i feel positive about my ability to overcome all of this indifference. the word "whatever" can be a very powerful one, and i've used it in its fullest capacity up to this point. but now, i feel like many of the things i do that i used to find enjoyable i now find boring.

i used to love playing video games. i could play for hours upon hours. it didn't matter if i was by myself or with friends. i found video games to be, in a sense, hedonistic. movies are another form of entertainment that i never grew tired of. sometimes i'd watch two or three in a day. but now, i often don't even want to play a game or pop in a dvd, and i think i've figured out why.

my life has become a nonstop reptitive whirlpool. when i'm not at work, i'm either playing a game, watching a dvd/tv, or out at a bar. that's pretty much it, unless you count occasionally talking to distant friends online as another activity. i am not being bombarded with different influences. as much as i thought life was boring in philly, i still got enjoyment out of the things i expected to. here, life is stagnant and dull. so, the time has come for me to stop whining about how boring everything is, and find other things to do.

by maintaining my blog, i have something else that i can do when i don't want to do anything else. the more time i spend blogging, the less time i have to play games or watch movies. plus this is my only real outlet to let go and speak my mind. if nothing else, that should help me feel better about things. it's always comforting to me when i can see my thoughts as focused and tangible as opposed to the chaotic swirl they appear to be in my head. plus, blogging will help my writing get better. i know that i have the ability to write, and skillfully at that. but i can't hone that ability by playing wipeout XL with every spare moment i have.

ultimately, this will be a test for me. a test to see if i've finally harnessed some control. i've said this kind of thing before, too many times to count. but, happily, i feel as though this time is different.

now if you'll excuse me, i have some pictures to order...