my second job at brasserie rouge is fully underway. we opened for lunch last week, and yours truly is working tuesdays through fridays. soon i'll be working a dinner shift or two as well.

anyway, the reason i bring this up is because there's this girl i work with, kristin. she's a super nice girl, and she's very agreeable and easy to work with. however, she's not exactly the brightest light on the christmas tree, or the brightest crayon in the box, or the shapest knife in the drawer, or whatever metaphor you want to use.

point is, she's pretty fucking dumb.

she informed all of us today that the longer you let a tea bag sit in hot water, the more tea you get from the bag. this is not the first kidney stone of wisdom that she has pulled out of her urethra, and i'm sure it won't be the last.

if she continues throwing out these gems at such a rapid pace, i may have to start quoting her on a daily basis.

this could be fun.

congrats to the red sox. i'm happy for red sox fans who have suffered through all the painful years of watching their team blow game after game. as much as i hate them, i give them tons of credit for sticking by their team.

actually, i am also happy for one man. bill buckner. finally, this man will not be the poster boy for red sox failures. this win forgives bill buckner, who was wrongfully pinpointed as the goat of the '86 series (bob stanley is the one who really blew game six). buckner was a good baseball player and is a good person. i hope the current red sox team invites him to their parade/ceremony so the whole city can forgive him publicly, as they should.

that being said, here's to another 86 years...

5. "don't sweat the technique." these ads for target are really annoying. the song sucks, the people look funny while trying to appear athletic, and you're ugly.

4. this sony commercial with macy gray singing "walk this way" is just about one of the most annoying commercials ever made. it makes me wish i could walk through the television set and take a dump in that bird's nest on her head.


3. i absolutely loathe eHarmony.com comemrcials. you know, they're the ones with the old guy "doctor" who looks like he just popped a few metamucil pills. apparently, eHarmony.com matches you based on the 29 dimensions of compatibility that really matter. well, shit. that's what i've been doing wrong all these years! i only thought there was 28! thank goodness eHarmony is here to save me.


2. i hate all mcdonald's commercials. but i especially hate the ones about the chicken selects where that asshole retard is "defending his chicken," yelling and screaming at, most of the time, his imaginary chicken gobbling adversaries. of course, if someone ever actually wanted his cock to begin with, then i'm sure he wouldn't be quite so defensive. i think he'd still be annoying as fuck, though.


1. nobody, and i mean nobody, could be as annoying as this kid was. remember him? this ad is around a dozen years old, and seeing it again for the first time in years brought back all the painful memories. watch it for yourself.

someone typed "using crack nhl2005" on the finnish version of google and my site came up fourth.

awesome.

first of all, a couple things to consider...

understandably, the city of boston was super excited about their team's win over the yankees in game seven a couple nights ago. and, as to be expected, people filled the streets in celebration. however, i don't get why police overreact in situations that obviously don't call for extreme solutions.

here's a pretty funny joke that way too many new yorkers took seriously. i think it was a great idea.

anyway, on to my own recent discoveries...

i think that i am going to enjoy this world series a lot. not because i want to see boston lose, but because these are two franchises that have not had a lot of recent success.

i realized today, that there is a part of me, albeit a small one, that would actually enjoy seeing the red sox win. if i watch these games from the perspective of a baseball fan, which is what i am, then how can i not want to see a team that hasn't won in 86 years take it all home?

of course, i am a yankees fan, and nothing gives me more pleasure than giving shit to red sox fans.

i think my recent revelation has a lot to do with the fact that i think the red sox will win this series. so, i may as well brace myself for it, and try to watch the world series as someone who has nothing invested in it.

but still... go cardinals.

i also realized that this will be the year of curse-breaking. not that i think curses are real, but just that these sorry teams will finally have a reason to stop using cheap, bullshit excuses to cover up their own franchise's complete ineptitude.

the sox will win the series, and the eagles will win the super bowl.

throw in no hockey season, and this is not going to be a good sports year for me.

i also have a list of demands that i want met for the 2005 baseball season by george steinbrenner:

kevin brown -- i want him used as the locker room punching bag next year. put a catcher's mask on him and dress him up in a jason varitek jersey.
tom gordon -- put him in a box with nothing but raw hamburger and beef steaks taped to his body and ship him to abu dahbi. if he can make it back to the states, then we'll let him pitch when we have a lead of ten runs or more.
paul quantrill -- i want him shipped to the devil rays. stat.
tanyon sturtze -- why the yankees chose to acquire a pitcher who was playing for the devil rays is beyond me. maybe the yanks can trade him to the sixers for AI. philly needs a big man, and AI would be a threat to steal at least 50 bases. problem is, i think he might actually try to literally steal the base.
javier vazquez -- send him back to montreal. now. what? there isn't a team in montreal anymore? yes. i know.
tony fucking clark -- someone just ram a bat up his asshole please.
jason "parasite, my ass" giambi -- put powdered steroids in everything he eats or drinks. if he gets caught during a drug test, who gives a shit? then we have an excuse to get rid of him.
last, but certainly not least, gay-rod -- i want alex rodriguez' arms tied to a rafter so everyone in america gets to kick him in the nuts. seriously, i don't want this guy on my team. i HATE a-rod.

everyone else is cool with me... and carlos beltran? he will be ours. oh yes. he will be ours.

bitter? me? no...

okay, what the red sox did was amazing. i give them credit.

that being said... fuck.

at first, i posted my whiny bitch-like whimpering on here, but i'm just a bitter asshole. so it's gone now. paragraph upon paragraph of my detailed loathing of red sox nation can now be summed up in the following words.

to all red sox fans: it has now become our job to make your lives a living hell for the rest of the playoffs. enjoy it.

anyway, i'm going to say that if the cardinals win, then it was nice knowing you 1918. you served your purpose well, and i'll look forward to chanting "2004" with my grandchildren.

if the astros win, you're going down boston.

regardless, i wish i had hockey to soothe my soul right now.

damn.

hi, red sox fans. i hope you've enjoyed the past two days of baseball, because tonight in new york, it's all over. the red sox are done. it's official.

there is no way you are going to blow us out, and you won't win a close one in new york.

i know your team is full of heart and all, but you aren't going to win four straight. what else can i say.

if you don't believe me, then let's flash back to what happened last year.

you can tell me that it doesn't matter what happened last year... that history isn't important. i beg to differ, however. how can you say that history isn't important when that's exactly what you're trying to make?

the yankees, for all their big salaries, have just as much heart as the red sox. it may only have been four years since the yanks have won, but they don't want to win any less than the sox.

that's the bottom line.

who knows how well schilling can pitch, but even if he does well, he's not going nine innings, and foulke is prime to blow a game.

there's no place like home...

reese's gristle butter cups

hershey's highway bar

jolly ranchers' newest flavor -- new jersey turnpike

2 muskateers and a gerbil

cuntchamacallit

sugar bushies

nestle's crunch, now with 25% more grasshoppers

yourbuttmyfinger

whorelston chew

really dirty sluts

gaysinets

sour patch dicks

w & chaney's

shit-shat

salmon joy

nut-regis

hershey's kisses w/ herpes

doodie rolls

everlasting knobgobblers

ABBA... just ABBA

afghani fish

sweetfarts

bit-o-pussy

terds

mike and ike and vasoline

poon pies

i am simply going to make comparisons between the team that has won two games and the team that has lost two games.

mostly i'm doing this because (1) red sox fans are just as obnoxious (if not more) as yankees fans and we (yanks fans) are totally outnumbered in denver, (2) all the experts picked the red sox to win, and (3) everyone said before the series that the red sox had a better team in most areas.

CATCHER
jorge posada vs. jason varitek
ADVANTAGE: EVEN.
varitek hasn't done anything except hit a home run. posada isn't lighting it up either, but he got on base 3 times last night, scored a run, and has been playing good D. most people thought these guys were pretty evenly matched.

FIRST BASE
john olerud vs. kevin millar
ADVANTAGE: YANKS.
johnny o hit a big time 2-run homer last night that won the game for the yanks. plus, he's always solid on defense. jebediah millar (what's with that half fu-man-chu, half amish beard he has going on?) has done absolutely nothing. most people thought this was a pretty even matchup, but some people actually gave an edge to the red sox.

SECOND BASE
miguel cairo vs. mark bellhorn
ADVANTAGE: YANKS
the only good thing bellhorn did was break up mike mussina's perfect game. now look at all his K's and the ball he dropped last night which allowed jeter to be safe at second. not good. cairo hasn't been stellar, but he's walked twice (which might equal his total for the entire regular season) and gotten on base when the yanks needed him to. most people either called this even or gave a slight edge to the sox.

THIRD BASE
alex rodriguez vs. bill mueller
ADVANTAGE: YANKS
duh.

SHORTSTOP
derek jeter vs. orlando cabrera
ADVANTAGE: EVEN
jeter hasn't exactly been great, but jeter being below average is equal to cabrera being his normal self.

LEFT FIELD
hideki matsui vs. manny ramirez
OFFENSIVE ADVANTAGE: matsui
DEFENSIVE ADVANTAGE: the ball
neither of these guys can run more than ten steps to catch a ball. you can usually tell when it's going to go horribly wrong. pretty much whenever you see the ball go into left field. on offense, matsui was a torrent in the first game, while manny has struggled.

CENTER FIELD
bernie williams vs. johnny damon
ADVANTAGE: YANKS
this is the most surprising one of all. i fully expected damon to rip the ball like he had been the past month or so. strangely, he has five K's in eight at bats. he had the "golden sombrero" in game one. that's four strikeouts for those of you who are uninitiated. meanwhile, bernie continues to be clutch.

RIGHT FIELD
gary sheffield vs. trot nixon
ADVANTAGE: YANKS
not surprising, really. although sheffield does worry me defensively sometimes.

STARTING PITCHING
mike mussina/jon lieber vs. curt schilling/pedro martinez
ADVANTAGE: YANKS
wha' happun'? i thought the red sox starters were supposed to be vastly superior to the yanks? oh well, it's not like yankees starters have allowed ONE hit TOTAL through the first six innings of both games. nope. not like that at all.

RELIEF PITCHING
tom gordon/tanyon sturtze vs. alan embree/mike timlin/tim wakefield/ramiro mendoza
ADVANTAGE: the hitter
both bullpens have been pretty shaky. i'm a little surprised about gordon, but otherwise not a shocker.

CLOSERS
mariano rivera vs. keith foulke
ADVANTAGE: YANKS
mariano has been, well, mariano. foulke has pitched well, but hasn't had a chance to close a game yet, so we'll see what happens.

MANAGING
joe torre vs. terry francona
ADVANTAGE: you're kidding, right?

look, this series is FAR from over. i admit that. i am scared of playing the sox in boston for three straight. but i enjoy seeing all the critics be horrendously wrong. me included.

hopefully we will sweep and then i won't have to worry about this for much longer.

what is it about some people, such as myself, that allows us to dig ourselves into gigantic holes that we have to stuggle to climb out of?

i knew very well when i was on my way out here, that i needed to conserve what was in my bank account so i could make payments on things like my car, my car insurance, my health insurance, etc. yet, i still spent cash like i was wearing magic money pants. you know, those pants that magically replace the money that you take out of your pockets?

well, shit. mine stopped working.

*i'm going to warn you right now... this is a short entry, but is not very entertaining. while i'm sorry for this, my blog is here to protect my sanity above all else. today i need to write a few things down to clear my mind and help me feel better. thanks for understanding.

anyway, long story short, i come to denver needing a job. so what do i do? i sit on my ass blogging and playing video games. then i get a job that schedules me for two shifts a week, while passing up a full-time restaurant job that i wouldn't have liked as much, but definitely would be making more money at.

but it took me another two weeks, until today, to go out and look for another, most desperately needed job.

why? because i was pissed off that the job i had wasn't giving me enough shifts. i was feeling sorry for myself. i was depressed that i spent all my money and was struggling to make fractional payments on past-due bills. oh, and as i've mentioned many times before, i'm fucking lazy.

i basically just wanted to curl up in a little ball with a playstation controller and pretend like nothing else was going on around me. oh, wait, that's pretty much what i did.

i just don't get why i allowed it to get to this point. marcello even graciously pointed out that i was being a cock, but i didn't believe him. not until i went to hang out with two of the coolest gals i know, and ended up being a total bore and acting like a miserable idiot. i mean, i'm not saying i'm the life of the party, but usually it doesn't totally suck to hang out with me, either.

well, it had been sucking a lot for everyone who knew me, and i'm sorry about that.

everything was being affected negatively. my social life, my home life, my blog entries (or lackthereof). i mean, even the few entries i made totally sucked. i was pissing off all my friends. i mean, I didn't even want to be around me.

i know what this feeling is like. i felt it for years when i was in junior high and high school, and i went through it a couple years ago right before i moved away from philly.

it is a feeling that can be frightening, crippling, and mood-altering. it makes me not want to do anything, because i don't feel like i can do anything. i can't see the easy solution right in front of me so i fold up like a vitnamese slut at a gang-bang.

well, today, i beat the shit out of myself and got my ass out looking for another job. i'll probably have one by the end of the week at the latest.

it was incredibly liberating. i feel so much better. i'm sorry to those of you who had to put up with me. i promise i'm back to only being an asshole some of the time.

oh, and the yankees beating the red sox 10-7 also helps. woo hoo!

why not? i'm feeling kind of mean today.

i'm all for finding the best cheesesteak in philly, but this is ridiculous. i don't care if you put plutonium in the fucker, i'm not paying $100 for it.

we need more people with this kind of resolve.

is this is what will happen when priests can't fuck little boys anymore?

"honey, have you seen what i did with the violator?" i mean seriously. who throws away a vibrator in an airport? and really, someone called security? i'm no expert, but i don't think bombs make a buzzing sound.

what the hell is wrong with metro cops in washington dc? they have some serious fucking problems. it's people like this that make believe there should be live beatings of idiots on television.

artists can be great people, but sometimes they're a little too wrapped up in their own shit. i mean, when you misspell the names of eleven world famous people in a $40,000 mural which appears on a LIBRARY, and then have the gall to be offended when the librarians ask you to fix it, your brain is not firing on all cylinders. i can't believe the woman actually said, "The importance of this work is that it is supposed to unite people. They are denigrating my work and the purpose of this work. The people that are into humanities, and are into Blake's concept of enlightenment, they are not looking at the words. In their mind the words register correctly."

if i was the person responsible for signing the artist's check, i'd tell her, "what do you mean it was supposed to be $40,000 and not $400? if you were really into humanities and enlightenment, then you shouldn't be looking at the missing zeroes. the spirit of the money is still there."

i can't believe i have to get angry about this stuff.

i am officially search result number 17 when "pass me the k-y" is googled. i didn't even prepare a speech. i don't know what to say...

i found out today that our employee christmas party will involve going to the broncos/dolphins game, plus free booze and food afterwards. if only i actually made money at my job.

okay, i'm getting pissed off that there's no hockey. maybe you are too. i've decided that i want to perform a public service for all y'all. i am officially going to start the RTW '04-'05 simulated hockey season.

since i play a shitload of video game hockey anyway, i figured i'd simulate a season so we all would know who'd win the cup if there was a season this year. but, i'm going to try and make it fun for anyone who finds reading my bullshit an amusing waste of time -- i will put you in the game on a team of your choosing.

tell me what position you want to play, what type of player you want to be, and give me some vital stats, like height, weight, leftie or rightie, and obviously your first and last name. or, you can just make up a name, i don't really give a crap. i'll create your player and stick him/her on any team you want, except the carolina hurricanes, who are obviously going to be replaced by the hartford whalers, because it's only right.

note that this is not a fantasy league or some geeky shit like that. i'm not going to sit here and edit lines all day or whatever. you don't own the team. you can't make trades. i'm just going to let the computer sim everything on it's own. the point is that you'll get to see how your own player and team does through the course of the season.

lame? yes. but at least it's hockey motherfucker.

this is probably a really stupid fucking idea, but i'm pretty much a loser, so i'm going to do it anyway. if you're interested just shoot me an e-mail or feed my comment box. i'll probably start getting the thing going by next week.

that's my record for nfl games this weekend. not great, but at least my winning percentage is better than the whalers'. also, i'd like to point out that i nailed the score of the kansas city/baltimore game right on the nose.

ok, i'm done with football.

my voice mail greeting goes like this: "hi, this is jon. please leave a message."

pretty simple and straightforward.

here's the message i received a couple days ago: "debbie, call me back. i'm stuck in long wharf over here at brewery street where the post office is........... bye."

now, we've all called a wrong number at some point. we've all gotten voice mails and answering machines where we're like, "oh, shit, that's not guillermo's voice mail," and we hang up. i'm also pretty certain we've all had an experience where someone's voice mail recording is totally incomprehensible and confusing, so it might be understandable how one could leave a message mistakenly.

but how, on bush's ballsack, could this woman possibly have thought i was her friend debbie? unless debbie goes by the name "jon" and sounds like a more manly version of bea arthur, the woman who called me might have been this chick (just scroll down a tad, you'll know when to stop).

now i'm scared.

actually, i'm not frightened by this woman's stupidity. i'm scared because i never realized until now that i sound like bea arthur. yikes.

okay, picture time. berlin.

my picks for the nfl games this weekend. teams in bold are my picks to cover the spread. teams in italic are at home.

cincinnati 24 (+ 3.5) pittsburgh 20
indianapolis 31 (- 3.5) jacksonville 28
new england 24 (-5.5) buffalo 23
green bay 16 (-7) n.y. giants 13
houston 27 (+2) oakland 14
philadelphia 27 (-8.5) chicago 15
washington 23 (0) cleveland 20
carolina 17 (-3.5) atlanta 16
arizona 27 (+3) new orleans 22
tampa bay 14 (+3) denver 10
n.y. jets 31 (-5) miami 17
tennessee 20 (0) san diego 17
san francisco 24 (+3.5) st. louis 21
kansas city 27 (+4.5) baltimore 24

just so you all know. i suck at this game. if you bet money because of my predictions, you are an idiot. thank you drive through.

that's right mofo. bring on the playoffs.

anwyay, i will continue to be lazy until monday. see you then.