the fools of chivalry

Apparently, Esquire magazine recently published an article entitled "Dating Etiquette: How to Navigate the First Date". It was also apparently written by someone who either last went out on a date in 1963, or learned everything they know about sex from watching "It's the Great Vagina, Charlie Brown!".

Thankfully, I'm here to offer some helpful corrections.

So, without further ado, I present to you (with commentary from yours truly in red italics):

Dating Etiquette: How to Navigate the First Date

Follow these modern-chivalry dating tips to give her a gentlemen's impression she'll never forget.

By Esquire

The first date can be a disaster if you do it wrong. From the predate to the follow-up, keep in mind this six-step dating guide on how to do it right.

1. The Predate

• Dress for the occasion, but more important, dress to show respect. Reminder: It's still better to overdress.

Where exactly are you going on the first date? I mean, dress to show respect? Unless you're gonna wear your "The Price is Wrong, Bitch" t-shirt, I think you're gonna be fine. It's not better to overdress. That's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard. If you wear a shirt and tie to Olive Garden you're retarded. Of course, if you go to Olive Garden to begin with, you're a moron, but I digress...

• Easy on the cologne. Avoid novelty ties. Arm yourself with the tools of modern chivalry.

First of all, avoid ties altogether. You shouldn't be going somewhere on a first date which requires ties. Second, you shouldn't even own any novelty ties to begin with. What the hell is wrong with you? And what the hell are the "Tools of Modern Chivalry?!?!" Oh, man, this should be good...

The Tools of Chivalry

You never know when you’ll be called to kindness. So prepared yourself for modern-day knighthood.

Handkerchief
Good for: When she spills her drink, starts to cry, or needs to be blindfolded for a surprise.
Also good for: Folding stylishly into your breast pocket.

Um... I don't know about you, but I'm going to avoid blindfolding the girl on the first date. Surprisingly enough, some girls might find this uncomfortable. Shocking, I know. Also, why are you making her cry on your first date? I doubt handing her a crusty snot rag is gonna get you out of that mess.

Lighter
Good for: Lighting her cigarette or scented candles around her bathtub.
Also good for: "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" encore.

Scented candles? I'm gonna carry a lighter on me at all times in case I need to light Maple Nut Crunch candles? And, wait, Every Rose Has Its Thorn? Really?? That's the best you can do? You might as well be playing Huey Lewis and the motherfucking News. Power of Love. Instant girl on your balls.

Pen
Good for: Jotting down her number.
Also good for: Scribbling pictures of the two of you riding horses together on cocktail napkins.

Hmm... you should probably already have her phone number if you're out on a date with her. Just thought I'd mention that in case you're a total blockhead. A pen is also good for jamming into your eye socket in case she keeps going on about her recent shopping trip to Express.

Breath Strips
Good for: Keeping yourself approachable after a little crab dip.
Also good for: Her breath.


Hey there, Alpo breath. How about a Skittle? Yeah, you're gonna want a Skittle.

Umbrella
Good for: Keeping her dry during a storm.
Also good for: Improvised musical numbers.

That's right, who gives a shit about you. Keep HER dry. Or, instead, you could both not be pussies and play in the rain and have fun.

2. The Pickup

• Be on time.

"Sorry I'm late, I was just finishing up Freebird on Guitar Hero. You know how LONG that song is?"

• Go to the door.

"HONK! HONK! HONK!......... HOOOONNNNKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" This is apparently how people in my neighborhood pick up their dates. It's not annoying or anything.

• Do not bring flowers -- it's outdated. You may, however, bring a small, thoughtful gift that you did not purchase from Wicks 'n' Sticks or B. Dalton Bookseller.

I see... flowers are outdated, but all the other advice on here is spot on accurate? Right, buddy.

3. The Drive

• If you're taking a cab, you should open the door for her, give the directions, and pay.

Why don't I just drive the cab while I'm at it?

• While amusing, avoid that bit where you go and then stop and pretend to drive away without her.

It's more fun if you try to hit animals instead.

• No music -- try talking.

WHAT??? SORRY. I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE MUSIC! I'LL TURN IT DOWN AS SOON AS EVERY ROSE HAS ITS THORN IS OVER!

• If you find the ensuing silence unbearable, you may put on music, but avoid the following: a) talk radio; b) anything in which R. Kelly describes something overtly about intimacy; c) playlists consisting entirely of songs that feature her name.

Also avoid emulating R Kelly in the bedroom. Do not urinate on the girl the first time you have sex. Subsequently, all bets are off.

4. The Restaurant

• Open the door for her. In case of revolving doors, you go first.

Do NOT let her go first through revolving doors. NO!!! What are you doing?!? Aww... that's it. You fucking blew it man. Might as well have jizzed in her eye.

• Wait until she's seated to take your seat. At fancier joints, it's the waiter's job to help her with her chair, not yours.

But, if you do end up helping her with her chair, feel free to deduct from the waiter's tip. Ladies dig a guy who's responsible with his finances.

• Never order for her. And never present a coupon to the waiter while saying, "And the lady will have something of equal or lesser value."

But, if you do, be sure to follow up that comment with, "Dude, I'm not buying this chick lobster unless she fucking puts out! That's what I'm talking about!" Make sure not to forget the high-five.

• Sharing food: If she suggests it, you're doing it.

I wouldn't fight this one. She's gonna order the most expensive shit anyway, so you might as well get to eat it too.

• Pay. If she offers to help, say something sincere like, "It's my pleasure," not something you think is witty, like, "I'll consider this a down payment for later, if you know what I mean!"

Instead, say something like, "You know, if you sleep with me later, this kind of makes you like Julia Roberts in that prostitute movie!" Girls love Pretty Woman.

5. The Walk

• Walk at her pace.

Feel free to smack her in the ass if you need her to pick up the pace.

• Tradition dictates that you should walk on the outside of her to avoid puddle splashes and runaway carriages, but feel free to disregard this unless your date takes place in Colonial Williamsburg (not advised).

Yes, girls hate it when you walk next to the street. There's nothing chivalrous about that at all. Also, when you have kids, make sure you let them run around in the middle of the road. Your wife will totally approve.

• Offer her your arm. It's chivalrous and also a good way to initiate contact.

If she touches your arm, you know what else she'll be touching later... HELLOOO

• Be a man. Make your move. May God be with you.

Remember... "no" means "yes".

• You're not going inside. Unless she suggests it.

If she doesn't suggest it, feel free to go sleep with your ex-girlfriend.

6. Following Up

• No texting. Call the next day. Two days, tops.

Survey says? BRRRRRRRHHHHH. Wrong again, idiot. Texting the next day to say you had a good time is actually a great idea. If she responds in kind, then you can call her.

• If she answers the phone, thank her for a great night and schedule a second date.

Works better if you can tell her that in person after you wake up next to her.

• If you get voice mail, thank her and ask her to call you back.

Or leave a message saying that one of her relatives just got run over by a car and you don't know if they're gonna make it. Then say "GOTCHA!" Women love a guy with a sense of humor.

• If she answers the phone "Sam's Pizza" and pretends you've got the wrong number, all bets are off.

If she gives you the number for Sam's Pizza, show her how much you appreciate her suggestion by sending a dozen pies to her house.