*DISCLAIMER: i am writing this post to display my undying love for the boston red sox. under no circumstances should it be taken in any way other than totally and completely seriously. there is definitely no sarcasm whatsoever involved. i just really really really love the red sox. they are clearly god's team, and have the most intelligent, thoughtful, and humble fans in all of baseball. and red sox fans are also super good looking too. and widely reknowned as the world's best lovers.*
what would spring be like without my beloved boston red sox? i certainly can't imagine life without them.
first of all, they have my favorite professional athlete in the history of sports, manny ramirez. he's such a lovable goofball. what a character that guy is. he always plays hard and for the love of the game. he is probably such a huge inspiration to his teammates when they see how he runs out every ground ball, or when he decides to take a bathroom brake in the middle of an inning for fear that he might soil himself and get urine on the baseball. YUCK!
then there's david ortiz. BIG PAPI! he's so lovable. i just want to give him a great big platonic man hug! and since he can't actually play defense, he's great for our team b/c he saves the red sox thousands of dollars a year by making sure they don't have to buy gloves for him.
of course there's curt schilling. he's like the bill o'reilly of baseball, and we know that everyone loves bill o'reilly! it's why he has the #1 show on fox news! just like them, schilling is fair and balanced.
i thought i was going to die last year after johnny "poopyface" damon betrayed us and went to the evil yankees, but thank goodness we got coco crisp! his name sounds like cereal... that's too funny! LOL!
the heart and soul of our team is jason varitek. the way he stood up to GAY-rod (HAHA!!) a couple years ago was A-W-E-S-O-M-E!!! he just shoved him right in the face! yay, jason! it's okay that he can't hit anymore. or play defense. or run. well, okay, he never could run, he's a catcher! LMFAO! we love him!! he's way better than BOOnie williams of the evil empire!
i wish i could remember all the starting pitchers that we have, but for some reason, my collective memory of our starting pitchers' performances last year refuses to come to the surface. huh. strange.
but we do have jonathan papelbon. hey, jonathan! that's my name!!!!!
OH! I ALMOST FORGOT! we have daisuke matsuzaka now! he came over from japan in the offseason. the best thing about it is that it didn't have anything to do with money. we would NEVER recklessly spend money like the EVIL EMPIRE! matsuzaka always dreamed of putting on a boston red sox jersey and that's why he's on our team! it must be true. why would he and his agent lie about something like that?
last, but not least, we have the green monster. it is the coolest thing in all of baseball! where else can you pay $100 to sit 450 feet away from all the action?! and don't forget about the pesky pole! i don't know who pesky is, but i know that it's the reason why trot nixon was able to hit 25 homers a season! woo!!
this year is truly going to be the best year ever for the red sox. i love them so much i want to take them out into the home team bullpen and have sex with them! J/K!!!
i even wrote a song about how much i love them. well, i wrote the lyrics, but you can sing along to it if you have a copy of "peace of mind" by, who else, BOSTON!
now if you're feeling kind low about the teams you've been playing
wins are coming much too slow
and you wanna change your team but you just keep on sayin'
don't know who to root for, no, no, no
yeah yeah yeah
i understand about indecision
but i don't care about Tampa Bay
always lose to the competition
all i want is my team to be okay
YEAH! WHOA OH OH!
now you're climbin to the top of the American League East
boston's winning all their games
cantcha see there'll come a day when you'll be champions
if you live to be one-hundred
WHOA OH OH OH OH OH OH!!!
i understand that your team, it sucks balls
but i dont care if you sign A-Rod
he chokes in playoff competition
all i want is Kapler's smokin' hot bod
cheer cheer for the red...
cheer cheer for the red... sox sox sox sox
(totally rockin' instrumental!)
now everybody's got advice they just keep on givin
telling you the red sox suck
yankee fans are dumb and drunk retarded morons
can't decide where they should pee
i understand that our parks are classic
but i don't care about yankee lore
red sox beat all the competition
yankee fans are all smelly, big fat whores
cheer cheer for the red...
cheer cheer for the red...
RED SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOX!
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