here at rtw, we always (and by "always" i mean when i used to keep this blog updated on a regular basis) try to give you your sports with a side of pop culture.

here, then, for your reading pleasure, are the NHL playoff teams that movie action hero characters would be rooting for, if they were, in fact, real people:

seth gecko - new jersey devils: seth kicked some vampire ass in "from dusk till dawn," and he'll be kicking the asses of the devils' front office if they lose in the first round after firing their coach with only 4 games left in the regular season. too bad there isn't a bar in new jersey called the "titty twister," though.



captain jack sparrow - pittsburgh penguins: captain jack would already be a pirates fan, so why wouldn't he like the hockey team in pittsburgh as well? look, it was either captain jack or the bud ice penguins (hmm... so that's what johnny knoxville was doing before jackass), so cut me some slack.



snake plissken - new york islanders: speaking of the bud ice penguins, doobie-doobie-doo plays goalie for the islanders. anyway, i know snake already escaped from New York once, but i'm sure if the islanders were in the playoffs, maximum security prison would've been much more tolerable.




john mcclane - new york rangers: most people aren't aware of this, but the first thing that mark messier screamed out loud when the rangers won the stanley cup back in 1994 was, "yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!" okay, that's not true, but if john mcclane was there, it would be.



beatrix kiddo - buffalo sabres: seeing as how beatrix slashes the crap out of people with some serious sword action, i think this one's pretty self explanatory. she was definitely a serious bad ass, and so are the sabres this year.



nada - ottawa senators: nada and the sens are a perfect match, because "nada" is exactly what the senators do during the playoffs. in fact, if the senators even make it past the second round of the playoffs, i'm sure all of their fans will be shouting, "they live!"



ben richards - atlanta thrashers: ben richards tore it up in the running man. "uplink underground, uplink underground. if you say that one more time, i'll uplink your ass, and you'll be underground!" okay, that had nothing to do with the atlanta thrashers, but who cares, you gotta love arnold...



ash - tampa bay lightning: "this is my boom stick!" thus, it only makes sense that ash would be a fan of the lightning. okay, well, maybe it would make more sense if they were called the tampa bay thunder, but just go with it, okay? the evil dead trilogy would want it that way. speaking of which, anyone else pumped about this movie, coming out later this year?




dutch - nashville predators: duh. like you didn't see this one coming. i just wish that nashville would get rid of that stupid sabre-toothed tiger logo, and replace it with the creature from the movie. additionally, they should hire jesse ventura as their spokesperson. oh, and also, they should leave nashville and move to hartford and change their name to the whalers and win the stanley cup.



alex murphy - detroit red wings: who else would you expect? that's right. motherfucking robocop. this is detroit, after all. even john mcclane would be like, "i'll stand in harlem with a sandwich board on me that says 'i hate niggers,' but i'm not fucking going to detroit."



sean archer - vancouver canucks: basically, the canucks have two sides to them. they're good for about 50 minutes, and then they suck in the last half of the third period. just when you think they're going to win the game, they screw up and blow it at the end. on a completely separate note, i think this movie sucks. are you kidding me? 92%?!?!


casey ryback - calgary flames: because the calgary flames will be under seige throughout the entire series. also, half of the games are in detroit, which means that there will be octopi thrown all over the place, and since ryback is a cook, he'll be able to make some kick ass sushi.



ethan hunt - minnesota wild: because it's pretty much going to be frikkin' impossible for the wild to win the cup. then again, if i'm the anaheim ducks' goalie right now, i probably shouldn't ignore that slight ticking sound that i hear coming from the goal post...



howard the duck - anaheim ducks: duh.





corbin dallas - dallas stars: it's not as obvious as you think. i picked him because the NHL is run by an evil bastard played by gary oldman, er, i mean, bettman, and the vancouver canucks are a giant sphere of death, and jussi jokinen is really the fifth element, and he is going to save the universe from total destruction! so there!


martin brody - san jose sharks: yeah. okay. i know that the shark is martin brody's nemesis in the movie. but, as well all know, he makes the shark his bitch. so, at this point, the only person in the arena who should be worried is s.j. sharkie.

Labels: Hockey, Lists, Movies