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4.29.2005movies so bad they're g--, um, no, wait, they're just really bad
johnny mnemonic -- not only is it hard to pronounce, it's impossible to watch. i saw this for the first time last night on tbs. let me just point out that if you're watching a movie and you recognize a girl from starship troopers who isn't denise richards, there's a good chance the movie is going to suck. a lot. you'd probably be more entertained watching "pokemon 6: pikachu eats his own turd." to further emphasize the horribleness that is JM, i will use the following sentence, which could only be described as the #1 sign that your movie really really sucks. NOT EVEN DOLPH LUNDGREN COULD SAVE THIS ONE.
mission impossible 2 -- how they could go from making such a kick ass first movie (albeit somewhat confusing) to this absolute piece of trash is beyond my capacity for reason. oh wait, no it's not. people are idiots. they like this shit. nevermind. great expectations -- whether you blame the novel, the scriptwriters, the directors, or the actors, it doesn't really make much of a difference to me. if you told me i was about to watch a movie with robert de niro, hank azaria, and gwenyth paltrow half naked for the entire movie, and that it would make "ghostbusters 2" seems like a cinematic masterpiece, i would've kicked you in the ballsack (or corresponding lack thereof). i mean square, full on, right in your crotchtastic privates. i mean, do movies get any more boring and pointless than this? i sincerely hope not. lost in space -- again, tell me that i'm about to watch a movie with two of my favorite on screen celebrities, heather graham (obvs) and gary oldman, who's totally rad, i would've been psyched. in fact, i was, even though i'd seen and heard many reviews to the contrary. then, on that fateful day in 1999, i put it in my vcr, and my tape player was never the same after that. personally, i think it was just mad at me for making it play a movie with matt leblanc in it. major league 2 -- i pretty much like any crappy ol' movie if it has to do with baseball. but not this one. there is absolutely nothing redeeming about this movie, other than to know that this is probably about as bad as one can get. the first major league was pretty goofy and silly, but it definitely had charm, and above all else, was funny. it's amazing, then, how they were able to completely fuck this up. i mean, i understand what they were trying to do, but -- oh, wait, no. i don't understand it at all, actually. american psycho 2 -- um, i thought this would be one of those movies that i knew would be terrible, but i'd probably enjoy watching anyway. i mean, mila kunis is hot, and how can you not like shatner? well, it definitely nailed down the whole "terrible" aspect. i don't see why though, i mean, morgan freeman directed the film! oh, wait, not that morgan freeman. i know what you did last summer -- i know what i did while watching this movie - throw up in my mouth. starship troopers 2 -- i thought maybe this movie wouldn't suck. why did i think that???? pearl harbor -- i broke my most sacred of sacred movie watching rules. "never pay to go see a movie in the movie theater which stars ben affleck." i knew, without a doubt in my mind, that this flick was going to suck, and i wasn't disappointed in that regard. it's not even like i went to see it on a date, b/c then, maybe, i could've justified it somehow. but no. i made a mockery out of all my morals. i feel dirty just thinking about it. 4.27.2005i know it will never happen, but...i may not be the hippest guy in the world...
...but i ain't no goddamned douchebag.
4.25.2005rejected baseball movies
Dude Where's My Syringe?
For Love of the Game, and a Big Effing Paycheck Major League 4: Still Better Than the Police Academy Movies Angels in the Outfield, and Also in Your Jockstrap It's the Great Pumpkin, Nuke LaLouche! Out-Ray-Geous: The Story of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, 2005 World Series Champions Young Guns 3 (starring the New York Yankees' pitching staff) The Interpreter 2 (starring Sammy Sosa): "I never took steroids." A Hitchhiker's Guide to Coors Field The Big Majewski Final Fantasy: Barry Bonds Comes Clean Jay and Silent Bob Have Gay Sex with A-Rod The Ladies Man 2: Ron Mexico Strikes Again (oops, sorry, that's a rejected football movie) A Mighty Wind Part II: John Kruk Eats a Giant Burrito Pirates of the Allegheny: The Curse of, Um, Well, These Guys Just Suck Requiem for a Creatine S-Men When Barry Met Balco 4.22.2005it's a sad loss for pakistani hockeyobviously...IN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES HOUSE CONCURRENT RESOLUTION NO. 29 BY WAYS AND MEANS COMMITTEE A CONCURRENT RESOLUTION STATING LEGISLATIVE FINDINGS AND COMMENDING JONATHAN GIBBONS AND THE MAGICAL LAND OF LLAMASACK FOR THE PRODUCTION OF THE BLOG "REMEMBER THE WHALERS. Be It Resolved by the Legislature of the State of Whalervania: WHEREAS, the State of Whalervania recognizes the blatantly obvious vision, talent and creativity of Jonathan Gibbons in the writing and production of "Remember the Whalers"; and WHEREAS, the scenic, beautiful, and magical land of Llamasack, County of Crotchpucker and the State of Whalervania are experiencing increased tourism and economic growth (I fucking wish); and WHEREAS, blogger Jonathan Gibbons is a native Whalervanian who was educated in the Whalervania public school system; and WHEREAS, the Llamasack High School administration and staff, particularly the really hot secretaries who give great hummers, have enjoyed notoriety and worldwide attention; and WHEREAS, "being a total loser" figures prominently on this blog, thus promoting Whalervania's most famous export; and WHEREAS, the friendship between JG and the Thighmaster has furthered relationships between one’s hand, one’s special purpose, and her royal thighness; and WHEREAS, Jonny Gibbons' beer die skills are a testament to Whalervania athletics; and WHEREAS, Michael Bolton's rollerblades and the King Whale's segway promote better air quality and carpooling as alternatives to fuel-dependent methods of transportation; and WHEREAS, Ron Mexico's recent run-in with the law, as reported here, promotes the importance of safe sex in the magical land of Llamasack; and WHEREAS, Peabs' trip to Coz' Flizzum-Flazzum Factory highlights a long-honored Whalervania vacation destination; and WHEREAS, Alexa's escort service promotes entrepreneurism and self-sufficiency in Whalervania's small towns; and WHEREAS, Isabella's artistic rendition of dropping a deuce is an example of the importance of the written arts in K-12 education; and WHEREAS, the Llamasack High School sex-education class fosters an awareness in Whalervania's youth of public service and civic duty to satisfy all sexually depraved residents; and WHEREAS, the "Happy Hands" club (NSFW) is an example of the importance of theater arts in K-12 education; and WHEREAS, Miss Macy's efforts to build a better dildo illustrate the positive connection between arts & crafts and lifelong relationships; and WHEREAS, Jon Gibbons (or as we like to refer to him, "the hottest piece of ass to ever walk the planet") and his relationship with OKCupid is a tribute to e-commerce and Whalervania's technology-driven industry; and WHEREAS, Marcello and Carrie's wedding shows Whalervania's commitment to healthy marriages, even if it turns your friends into raving wussies; and WHEREAS, the prevalence of poon tang as a primary food group pays tribute to Whalervania's cat industry; and WHEREAS, the Hangover Hockey League emphasizes the importance of both drinking to excess and physical education in Whalervania public schools; and WHEREAS, Pucky the Whale, Dave "Tiger" Williams, and Gerald Diduck (haha –"duck," get it???) showcase Whalervania's animal husbandry; and WHEREAS, any members of the House of Representatives or the Senate of the Legislature of the State of Whalervania who choose to vote "Nay" on this concurrent resolution are "Effing Retard Morons" and run the risk of having the "Living Shit Beaten Out of Them" NOW, THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED by the members of the First Regular Session of the thirty-second Whalervania Legislature, the House of Representatives and the Senate concurring therein, that we commend Jonathan Gibbons and the magical City of Llamasack for showcasing the positive aspects of Whalervania's youth, rural culture, education system, athletics, economic prosperity, diversity, and just overall fucking awesomeness. BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that we, the members of the House of Representatives
and the Senate of the State of Whalervania, advocate always following your heart and/or dick, and thus we eagerly await the next blogtasatic undertaking of Whalervania's Jonny"El Gato" Gibbons. 4.20.2005queer as a two dollar b--, er, um, wait a second...
this is hardly a new revelation, but rereading this story which was updated recently just made me smile. it seriously makes me want to go to the bank and demand $100 in two dollars bills, and $100 in susan b. anthony/sacajawea dollar coins, just so i can go out and try to fuck with stupid people. oh god, that would be seriously entertaining.
and now, the anticlimactic moment none of you have been waiting for, the winner of this years snackfood tournament of champions. (i'd get excited, but this took way too long to finish) drum roll, please... personally, i'm disappointed. i think they kind of suck. but, hey, the people have spoken... 4.19.2005ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..................
i'm tired. i don't want to write anything. so there! too bad! go find your entertainment elsewhere. or somewhere else.
snack food tournament of champions winner will be announced on wednesday... 4.18.2005what the douche?
where the hell am i???? oh my god, i think i'm lost!!!
wait for it... wait for it... so, yeah. this happened. i'm still working on it a little bit. it will change some more but probably not too drastically. whaddya think? i'm just happy b/c i photoshopped and animated giffed everything all by myself. yay! i wanna lollipop! 4.16.2005i'm officially old
while at the bar the other night, i was involved in a conversation with some obviously underage college girls. one of them asked me, "are you still in school?" to which the other one responded before i could answer, "does he LOOK like he's still in school?"
slut. 4.15.2005i forgot to put a title here
i dunno about you, but i like looking at 622 music videos. granted, some of them suck, but whatever. my thanks to tight for finding that one.
also, thanks to kriz, who directed me to mcsweeney's lists. these are definitely some of the funniest things i've ever read. sad news for pringles fans, i.e. marcello, as both the plain and salt & vinegar flavors were knocked out of the tournament, setting up a championship matchup between cheddar cheese goldfish and fritos corn chips. this comes as a bit of a surprise, as pringles original had a huge lead at one point, but fritos came storming back in the second half, completely shutting down pringles' momentum. who will be the snack food champion for 2005??? VOTE!!! in case you haven't noticed, i've linked about 70 or 80 old school nintendo games on the sidebar. they're playable online thanks to every video game. a great website for us old school gamers. obviously there are some notable games missing, such as mario brothers and zelda, but i will try to work on that. in the meantime, why not waste a few minutes at work playing some blades of steel or tetris? (try the original tengen version... it rocks!) 4.13.2005disclaimer: bulge may actually be smaller than it appears
to all prospective girlfriends:
i just want to let you know a few things right away. if any of this is going to freak you out now or down the road, it's best for both of us that you know this stuff now...
all inquiries can be sent to: jonisapatheticpieceofcrapwhocantkeepagirlformorethan2weeksbuthekeepstryinganyway.com by the way... final four. no number one seeds left. cinderella still lives! 4.11.2005four corners of heaven
of course, i'm speaking of a pepe's pizza split into four sections topped with spicy pepperoni, crispy bacon, thinly sliced salami, and italian sausage. usually, after that, i'd walk over to libby's for some italian ice or cannolis, but my buddy mike and i had already done that before getting pizza. sure it's backwards, but we were celebrating the near 70 degree weather while all of you denver people were stuck at home in two feet of white death. WOO! i never get to say that. CONNECTICUT WAS NICE TODAY AND DENVER WAS MISERABLE. WOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
ok. i'm a dork. i also have to be in manhattan today at 6:30 AM for work, which effing sucks. it means i have to get up and be ready to leave my house at 4:10 in the morning to catch the train. seriously. this could not suck any more. have fun today, peeps. oh... and don't forget to vote in the previous post. c'mon people, this is for the final four! 4.08.2005someone please put that quiznos baby out of my misery
now it's getting interesting... the snackfood tournament of champions is starting to heat up! three of the number one seeds still remain. (1) nacho doritos took down (12) andy capp's hot fries, ending their cinderella run. (1) lay's potato chips held off the pesky (5) cracker jack. and (1) crunchy chee-tos disposed of (4) cool ranch doritos without much trouble. however, (12) pringles salt & vinegar chips continue to make a miraculous run towards the final four, completely destroying (1) ruffles. meanwhile, all three two seeds that made it to the sweet sixteen advanced. (2) cheddar goldfish beat (3) rold gold pretzels in a tightly contested battle. (2) tostitos overcame the feisty (6) honey roasted peanuts. and (2) fritos had a late come back to knock out (3) wheat thins. finally, in a classic, the closest match of the tournament up to this point found (3) pringles holding off a dramatic late charge by (7) jax cheddar cheese puffs.
well, by monday or tuesday the final four should be set. who's gonna make it? that's up to you... 'tis the season for tournaments, apparently. one of my good friends wants to know who you would like to see as pope. of course, not to be outdone is the cruddy award, a combined effort from lindsayism and tmftml. have a good weekend everyone, i'm going bowling... shutup, donnie! 4.06.2005girls gone mild: crocheting uncovered
i had a successful trip to philly this past weekend. hours were wasted sleeping, drinking beer, and playing poker. the only thing missing was hockey. stupid thunderstorms. oh, and also, i forgot my digital camera. so i have no pictures. that's pretty sweet. so, instead, please enjoy this team picture of the boston red sox.
by the way, we're down to the sweet sixteen. vote here to eliminate eight more participants... 4.01.2005i don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper
don't talk about it. i'm pissed enough already as it is. absolutely ridiculous.
it's enough to make we want to drink, smoke, drink some more, smoke some effing more, and god damn frikking drink. sigh. at least i'm peacing the fork out of connecticut for the weekend and heading on down to philly. thank goodness. i need to get out of here for a couple days... |
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