1. if we're not open yet, we're not open yet.

when i tell you that we don't open for another twenty minutes, that's what i mean. no, you can't come in and just have soup... yes, even, if all you want is a glass of wine, we're still not open... i don't care if the place across the street opens at 4:30. we are not open yet. can't you see that none of us are in uniform? does the fact that the door was locked when you walked up to it mean nothing?

2. please tip on the amount before the coupon/gift certificate.

i know that you are getting your $23 filet mignon for free. that does NOT mean that since your bill is now $57 instead of $80 that the appropriate tip is $10. the appropriate tip is still $16. grant it, i'm assuming a 20% tip in this case. but whatever. tip on the original amount of the check. it's common courtesy. i did $80 worth of service for you. not $57. you already got your dinner for free. in the name of paris hilton's gonnorhea, tip me properly.

3. if you don't like your meal, tell me when i ask you.

don't tell me your food is fine, and then eat the majority of it, and then tell me you didn't like it when i come to clear your plate. because, guess what, you're paying for it. if you really don't like the food, stop eating it. tell me you don't like it. don't be shy or embarrassed. i will have the kitchen make you something else. i won't have the staff do a circle jerk into it.

4. don't steal shit.

i would think this would be apparent. do not steal the silverware. do not steal the salt and pepper shakers. do not steal the worthless comic books behind the plexiglass case in the bathroom. do not steal my fucking pen. do not steal the candle holders. do not try to deny it when you get caught. do not continue to be a stupid ass spelunker.

5. don't stay all night when the restaurant is obviously closed.

if you are the last people in the restaurant, please leave. i mean, if you're still eating or whatever, that's fine. but if your check is on the table, pay it. if you've paid it, go somewhere else. but don't make your server sit on his ass because you want to finish your lemon water and your conversation about which is better, regular checkers or chinese. would you go into a video store five minutes before it closed and stand around for half an hour figuring out which movies to rent? would you stay in your seats for an hour after the end of a baseball game because your enthralling discussion on ant farming just couldn't be continued elsewhere? i mean, c'mon, if it's that good of a date, then you're gonna get some. so why are you still sitting there???