i wish it wasn't this way.

i am so unhappy i can't stand it anymore. i have tried everything i can to get myself out of it, but it seems the more i try the deeper the hole gets.

i can't get any kind of job for which i am not ridiculously overqualified for. even restaurant jobs, which i should not have a problem finding, are hard to come by here.

on top of that, i am not able to really enjoy being out here because i can't afford to do anything. i can't go out. i can't go skiing. i can't go shopping. everything i do here is based on the word "can't."

i can't drive down the street without being paranoid about getting pulled over, and even when i think i'm being careful, i get pulled over anyway.

to make matters worse, i've recently hurt two people that are important to me. one of them is a friend. a good friend. and by being shady and secretive, i messed up how this friend views me as a person.

the other person i'm not really going to go into. it's stupid girl crap and nobody wants to hear about that.

but, basically, everything that has happened in the past month has led to this point where i feel completely helpless and like a complete asshole.

throw that in the kettle with the fact that my roomies are peacing out in less than a month, and i think it's about time to say goodbye, denver.

i wish i could stay longer, but i feel like i'd just be prolonging the pain and delaying the inevitable.
i don't like who i am when i feel like this. everything in my life suffers because of it.

as much as i'd like to think that i'm the same now as i am when i am happy with the way things are going, it's obviously not true. i can tell by the way my friends act around me, and now by the way people avoid my blog.

i mean, i know my blog has suffered, because i was definitely gaining some kind of readership when i first got here, but ever so slowly, people have stopped reading, and i am getting unlinked. i can't really blame anyone, because i know my blog has turned to garbage. the problem is, until i can get out of this, i can't tell why.

i mean, i've been trying so hard lately to come up with ideas, which is not how writing works for me when i am in a positive state of mind. but, i'm not going to stop. i could just give up and be like, "my blog sucks now, so screw it." but i'm gonna keep going.

anyway, sorry for being lame today, but i gotta do it.

i hope everyone has a great thanksgiving.