life (morning)

oh, man. you forgot to set the alarm clock when you went to bed last night (more like passed out on the floor after a date with mr. tequila), so you wake up a half hour late for work. that hangover isn’t really helping much either, and you can’t get the bottle of ibuprofen open because of the “childproof” cap (which, of course, your five year old cousin can open with ease). you grab your shirt, iron it with about the same efficiency as giving your car a tongue wash, and run out the door. you get to the car and realize you forgot something... pants. of course, you just gave your only set of apartment keys to your girlfriend since she is going to be moving in later today, which means you have to run around to the front of the building to actually get inside. since the doorman almost never sees you because you use the back entrance, you have to convince him that you are not the neighborhood sex criminal. not an easy task in your boxers, a half-wrinkled shirt, a hastily knotted tie and the hair on your face about the same length as on your head. finally, you get to the elevator, but it’s taking too long, so you decide to use the stairs instead. on your way up you trip on the last step and bash your chin into the door. bloody and battered you stumble to your apartment and spend ten minutes trying to figure out how the hell tom fucking cruise can get the damn NOC list in mission impossible when you can’t even jimmy a lock open with a credit card. finally, the door opens. you go inside, grab a pair of pants, and put a band-aid on to cover up the gash on your face. shortly thereafter, you get in the car and are on your way to work. you drive through the nearby dunkin’ donuts to get a high octane dose of hazelnut flavored caffeine, but, of course, they’re out. you settle for the only flavor they have available, brazilian cranberry surprise. of course, the surprise is that cranberries don’t grow in brazil, and the coffee tastes like some rejected rancid ocean spray cran-java concoction. so, you’re driving along and need some musical accompaniment for your hellish commute. you look down for three seconds to flip the radio on, and when you look up you notice the car in front of you is not moving anymore. and you are. SCREEEECH! you stop just in time to avoid having your first airbag experience, but, since you took the lid off of your coffee, it is now mingling with the electronics inside your stereo system. luckily for you, the radio is still functional. unluckily, it is permanently stuck on a station which is running a marathon of “the timeless classics of yoko ono.” nonetheless, you arrive at work and find a parking space right in front. finally, a break! in shock that something is going your way, you are feeling better and a small grin creeps across your face. on the elevator up to the office, you think to yourself, “i’m going to make it through this day. things are starting to turn around for me now!” the elevator door opens up and you walk out into the hallway, but something seems a little odd. the place is a little bit darker than usual. then you notice that you haven’t actually seen any other people in the building. you walk over to the office door and check yourself out in the glass really quick. you are looking pretty good considering what the morning has been like up to this point. with your confidence growing you pull on the door handle. it’s locked. confused, you get to the lobby and ask the security guard, “how come there’s nobody here, isn’t it monday?” you get back in your car, muttering something about thinking martin luther king day was in june. oh, and that space out front? it was for the handicapped. too bad that tow truck just happened to drive by while you were inside.

life: the video game

you forgot to set the alarm clock when you went to bed last night. you aren’t sure what you were drinking at the bar last night, but it was chartreuse colored. you wake up feeling well rested and full of energy, but you notice that there is this strange black box hovering over your head. the box contains written words which are conveying some sort of story. then, “poof,” it vanishes. strange... anyway, since all the people around here wear the same clothes every single day, there’s no need to change what you’re wearing. you don’t need to take a shower, brush your teeth, or go to the bathroom either. you get to the car and realize that you forgot something... your satchel of weapons, cash, and magical elixirs. you get to the front door of your apartment building, and the doorman is perfectly willing to let you inside because you gave him that indecipherable blue thingy you found in the bushes last week. however, four octarots have appeared and are now shooting brown spheres at you. luckily, you still have your stopwatch, which freezes time and allows you to get inside the building. you go to use the elevator, but it starts shooting laser beams at you. damn. didn’t you blow those up yesterday? when you get to the top of the steps, you see a puddle of water on the ground. as you walk through it you feel a sharp stinging sensation. c’mon, silly. you know you can’t swim. you get to your apartment but the door is locked. luckily, you have your special key on you at all times, and getting inside is a snap. you grab your satchel, and then, for some reason, decide to check behind that painting on the wall. what luck! a piece of red cloth! what the hell is that for? eventually you make it to the car. on your way to work, you see a doughnut hovering in the air and drive your car over it. yummy, that’ll help you get some of your energy back. as usual, the traffic sucks. so, you whip out your rocket launcher and blow away everyone in front of you. good thing there weren’t any cops around to see it or you might’ve gotten caught! how about some music? oh, wait. you’re already listening to the same incessant beeping and booping that you ALWAYS listen to. nonetheless, you arrive at work and find a parking spot; and by “parking spot” i mean you crashed your car into the building and left it on the grass in shambles. luckily, both you and the building are a-ok! you get to the elevator and there are no laser beams. woo hoo! on your way up to the building you realize that you haven’t killed any monsters yet. how odd. you walk out of the elevator and look around. there's a treasure chest in the corner. empty. and what’s more? still no monsters. you scramble back downstairs and talk to the security guard at the desk and all he says to you is, “the mountain holds secrets that only the red cloth knows.” what? so you talk to the guard again. and again. and again. “the mountain holds secrets that only the red cloth knows.” on your way back out to the car, you mumble to yourself something about starting from the correct save point next time. luckily, while you were inside, your car was magically repaired and is now parked in a space right out front.