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9.07.2004alcoholics synonymous
since i never have anything of real value to talk about on this blog, i decided that i would put my bartending knowldge to good use, and perform a valuable service for the seven of you who read this thing. i am going to give my opinion (which is irrefutably the most important and educated one in the world) about different types of liquors.
today: vodka. basically, i have come to the decision that there are two types of vodka drinkers. those who like the more harsh, flavorful ones such as stoli, ketel one, belvedere, and chopin, and those who prefer the smoother, more subtle ones, such as grey goose, vox, skyy, and van hoo. there are also the people who like absolut, but they are idiots and don't fall into either category. therefore they do not like vodka, so this guide is useless to them. i am the type of person who likes a smoother drink, so, if you are the opposite of me, just take everything i say and reverse it so it becomes relevant to your tastes. anyway... absolut: absolute shit. haha, aren't i clever. the flavored ones are fine for mixed drinks. the raspberry and pepper flavors are best. seriously, though, regular absolut tastes like licking an alligator's asshole. belvedere: i hate this vodka. i think it's way overrated and not worth the money at all. it's too harsh and does not have a pleasant flavor. the flavored versions are abolutely gross, unless you like the taste of lemon pledge. charbay: this vodka is so bad in all regards it's hard to classify it. imagine if you bought a mercedes m-class and then found out the engine was rebuilt from a busted yugo. this vodka is really expensive, but at least it has the decency to go down your throat like a blood orange flavored iraqi sandstorm. avoid at all costs. chopin: this is even worse than belvedere. not surprisingly, it's manufactured by the same company. it's a potato vodka, which means it's harsher and tastes worse. there are also flavored ones which are ghastly. cîrac: i don't like vodkas with letters that have hats on them. effen: this dutch vodka is my favorite vodka to order in a restaurant or bar. not only do you get to ask the bartender for some "F'in" vodka, but it tastes good too. try the black cherry one with seltzer or coke. these can be dangerous... finlandia: it doesn't really matter what i think. nobody really drinks this anymore. it's been forgotten. they have a cranberry vodka which is ok but kind of useless. grey goose: this vodka is pretty good. it's really smooth and is totally drinkable by itself. i'd recommend it with a twist. it is, however, really expensive, and you can probably find just as good a vodka for cheaper. good for impressing chicks, though. the flavored ones are also good, but flavored vodkas are silly to spend a lot of money on. ketel one: ketel one is nasty. the citrus flavor is tolerable, but not great. it doesn't even come in a cool bottle. gack. level: hey, absolut is making a premium shitty vodka now! awesome. i'd rather drink my own pee... with a wedge of lime, of course. mezzaluna: being from an italian background, i tend to find many things from italy superior. sadly, vodka isn't one of them. this vodka is what really killed mussolini. almost makes grappa seem smooth. rain: made in kentucky, but actually pretty good. it comes in a neat raindrop shaped bottle and isn't too expensive. totally worth buying. also easy to use as object for bludgeoning someone to death. skyy: the ultimate vodka. super cheap, very good, comes in a cool bottle. sometimes you can even get 2 bottles of this for the price of one grey goose (same with drinks in bars). i drink it dirty (with olive juice). the flavors are also good. the citrus one is the best around and is even good straight. the only bad flavor is the spice one. i mean, spiced vodka? sorry, gimme the captain instead... smirnoff: pretty bad, but at least it's cheap. the 100 proof version is perfect, however, if you are going to have a party and plan on making some kind of punch drink or kool-aid drink thingy. my suggestion: 100 proof smirnoff, lemonade, and watermelon pucker. people will have no idea what the hell hit them. also, the flavored ones are cheaper than stoli and taste almost identical. stolichnaya: crap. the regular one is garbage. the flavored ones are good, but the cheaper versions from reputable brand names are just as good. unless you need coffee or cinnamon vodka, or have the need to have all of the flavors of stoli vodka just so it looks cool (which, admittedly, it would) then you don't need to get stoli. thor's hammer: really smooth vodka with absoutely no flavor at all. that's fine and all, but unless you are going to use it as a mixer and make a really strong drink that doesn't taste it, it's kind of silly to waste so much money on this. i'm not saying it's bad, but it's like spending money on the $500 hooker when the one that costs $250 will suck your dick just as well. turi: another good vodka, albeit a little pricey. the bottle is really cool, though, so if you want to try something new, it's worth it. van hoo: belgian vodka. hard to find, but kick ass. my favorite vodka that i've ever drank. then again, i have a hard on for beglian food and drink. whatever... victory is mine! vox: a personal favorite of mine. makes the best martinis. it is a little pricey, but if you want to make a super smooth chocolate martini, or a kick ass raspberry cosmo, or whatever... this is the vodka to get. the regular one is about the smoothest vodka around, and costs about the same as grey goose or belvedere (and less than thor's hammer). stock your bar with: skyy, skyy citrus, vox, vox raspberry, smirnoff orange, effen black cherry, and absolut peppar. i know i have a tendency to ramble on and write long blog entries, so i'll stop here. obviously there are many more vodkas than this. but i'd be here forever. undoubtedly, some of you will disagree with my opinions, and therefore you are wrong. but, feel free to lambaste me just the same. it's okay, i probably don't like you anyway... |
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