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8.30.2004wanted: product tester for trojan condoms
seeing as how i just moved here and am currently unemployed, i decided to use today to do some serious job hunting.
unfortunately, that didn't happen. instead, i used the day to get my first official speeding ticket. that's something i'm especially proud of since my colorado driver's license hasn't even come in the mail yet. other than that, i didn't accomplish much. however, while i didn't actually look for a job, i thought about the jobs that would be perfect for me. so, if you know of any openings for the following positions, please don't hesitate to e-mail me. CEO in charge of red sox bashing candidates must have 25+ years experience in loathing the red sox, and an extensive repertoire of insults. should be equally skilled in all forms of degredation, such as by chanting "1918" or re-enacting the whole bill buckner episode, or by reminding red sox fans that their team is so bad in september that the city of boston has officially filed for the name of the month to be changed to "ineptember." video game appreciator qualified applicants must be able to sit in a comfy chair and control their bladder for eight hours straight. the only acceptable forms of sustenance are foods which fall into the "potato chip/crunchy orange cheese" family, carbonated beverages (for maximum burping capacity), and tobacco ("wacky" or other). the two exceptions are as follows: (a) any food than can be delivered which meets the minimum grease requirement may be consumed. ordering and paying may prove tricky, however, since no game pausing is allowed. (b) the stadium pal and stadium gal are permitted, so long as the odor doesn't distract players from the game (note: david sedaris does not recommend these products). video game appreciator's assistant willing to assist video game player by ordering food, paying delivery man, fetching beer, packing bowl, distracting opponent, and adjusting catheter. vice president of time wasting must be proficient at avoiding any and all responsibility, while simultaneously giving off the impression that he/she is busy and cannot be bothered. acceptable forms of slacking off include napping, organizing (and reorganizing) dvd collection, making mix cd's for nobody in particular, reading the instructions on the back of a box of hot pockets, and slowly boring your readers to death with extraneous amounts of jejune babble. kraft macaroni & cheese supervisor strong management and training skills necessary. must keep track of all ingredients and supplies including, but not limited to, milk, butter, orange cheese powder, macaroni, water, sauce pot, and fork. must exhibit stovetop resourcefulness. knowledge of easy mac assembly is not necessary (easy mac is for pussies... seriously). |
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