next monday, the world cup of hockey begins. the top eight countries will square off to determine, once and for all, who is the best at figure skating + beating the crap out of one another + a retarded version of shuffleboard.

luckily, i know a hockey expert who is excited and willing to give you the scoop on each nation and predict the outcome of the tournament.

sadly, that man was deep fried to death in a tragic poutine related incident. therefore, you're stuck with me.

CANADA

yes, they are the olympic champion from two years ago. sure, they arguably have the most talented players on their roster of any team in the tournament. but there is no way that a country full of cheese curd and gravy eating frenchies is gonna take the championship. yeah, that's right, canada. i said it. poutine sucks! oh, and another thing... boxing day? why the hell do you need a holiday on the day after christmas? i mean, yeah, we celebrate the day after christmas, except we call it, "where the hell is the receipt for this utterly useless piece of crap so i can exchange it for a playstation game?" day.

result: 3rd place

CZECH REPUBLIC

the czechs are crazy. they think it's okay to just liberally insert multiple Z's, K's, and V's with no vowels anywhere in sight. then they have the gall to pronounce their J's like Y's? that's insane! it's a travesty, and a sham, and a mock-- what? that joke isn't funny anymore? oh. shit. sorry.



however, the picture above displays enough reason why i shouldn't be too hard on the czechs. any country that produces such a fine array of hoppy beverages can't be all bad.

result: 2nd place

FINLAND

oh jeez. seriously, can't the fins and czechs get together and form some kind of union? the czechs could give the fins some consonants, and the fins have plenty of vowels to spare. why in the world do they have names with AA and II and UU in them? didn't anyone tell them the only vowels you double up on are E and O? damn, i thought i got this out of my system a couple years ago... apparently not.

result: 7th place

GERMANY

these guys really suck.

result: 8th place

RUSSIA

i don't care if they changed their government. they're all still commies as far as i'm concerned. just because their flag has the same three colors as ours, that means i'm supposed to trust these vodka swilling marxists? i don't think so.

however, i'm willing to make an exception for maria sharapova.

result: 5th place

SLOVAKIA

i picked on the czechs earlier, but at least people know about them. even though it's been about 15 years, the majority of stupid americans still fuck up by calling the country "czechoslovakia." of course, they only really pay attention to the "czech" part. i mean, seriously, how many americans even know that slovakia is a country? and, sadly, the slovaks don't make a beer as good as pilsner urquell.

they don't play hockey as well, either.

result: 6th place

SWEDEN

i'm not a fan of the meatballs, the fish, or the furniture, but the hockey team is pretty good. well, as long as they're not playing belarus in the olympics, anyway.

result: 4th place

USA

the sport is so popular in this country that, given a choice, 52% of american men would prefer to watch ice hockey, while 48% would rather take it in the back door from kool-aid man.



honestly, we don't deserve to win the world cup.

too bad we're going to.

result: 1st place, mofo