this blog entry was inspired by a much smarter person than me. she's much better looking than me also. i think... i'm not really sure, actually. it's probably a safe bet that she looks better than me in a dress, though.

obviously, she is also much cooler than me, because she was totally down with letting me rip off her shit. i just felt the need to lend a male perspective to the equation. oh well, at least i admit i have no creativity...

that being said, i present to you:

a 26-year-old single guy's guide to meeting someone quality
saving the sanity of nice guys everywhere (even though i'm kind of a dick)

so, there's this girl who...

accepts the drink that you buy for her.
why are you buying her a drink anyway? she's just going to think you're trying to get in her pants. at least get her out on a date first. then you can get her sloshed. if you really must pay for her beverage upon meeting, beware. most girls will be happy to have lightly awkward and uninteresting conversation with you in return for free alcohol.

asks what you do for a living.
let's see... why would she ask such a question? i'll tell you why. because she's making a devious attempt to categorize you in her brain. answer vaguely and change the subject. the less you say, the smaller the possibility of you seeming loserish. remember, girls always have a motive behind every "innocent" question...

lets you light her cigarette.
it will give you a cute girl to talk to for a little while, but she'll probably either ditch you later on, give you a fake number, or give you her real number and not ever call you back. if you try this one, be careful. hair is still flammable when you're drunk.

is under the age of 24.
not a good bet, unless you see her on a regular basis outside of a drinking environment. even then, it won't be easy to make it work. especially if she's still in college. what the hell's wrong with you anyway? seriously. dating a 21 year old college girl. i don't care how mature she seems, she's 21 and in a sorority, and you're less than four years away from 30. i mean, what kind of stupid retard would actually think that--er, um... oops! haha. kinda got a little sidetracked there. i can't possibly imagine where that came from...

has been a friend of yours for a long time.
eh. sometimes this works out, sometimes it doesn't. most of the time, though, one of you is interested and the other isn't. i've been on both ends of the spectrum. it sucks. but, if you have a friend who likes you the same way, then this is probably the best thing that could happen.

is someone you met on an internet dating site.
obviously, the first problem with this is that you'll have to make up lies to tell your friends so they don't know you met a girl over the computer. then you actually have to go on a date with her. if the first meeting doesn't make you want to flee in horror, then maybe you're on to something. of course, the chances of that happening are not good. i mean, not that i have ever met anyone over the internet.

is a blogger.
hey, bloggers are people too, right? i have no idea what that means.

looks you in the eye.
i say hurl. if you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. if you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.

is your little sister's friend.
that's dangerous territory, my friend. you could be getting yourself into a whole world of trouble that you don't want any part of. just forget about it and move on. unless, of course, she's really hot. then it's totally cool.

is someone you work with and get along great with but she's moving away and you're moving away and you won't see each other for who knows how long so you make plans to go to eastern europe together in a year even though you know it's total bullcrap and it's never gonna happen.
just beat yourself until you've numbed the pain. that's pretty much the only option.

is someone you met while bartending, and one night when you go out by yourself, you randomly run into her and her friends at the bar, and when she sees you she immediately goes up to you and grabs you and calls you "honey" and kisses you and introduces you as her fiancee to the guys who wont leave her and her friends alone, so the guys feel sorry for you that you're "marrying" the girl and buy you shots all night long.
i swear to god this shit really happens to me.

the bottom line is this: no matter what you do, no matter how innocent (or not) your intentions, girls are always going to be leery about your motives, and with good reason. so, just relax.

if you meet a cool girl, just calm down about the whole situation. you'll be surprised at how effective it is.

one day you'll be at some chill bar, minding your own business, and some cute girl will say, "oh, what kind of beer is that?" or something lame like that.

then you can have her try yours and offer to buy her one.

oh, wait a second...

shit.