well, it's just about that time. when i wake up monday morning, i will officially be leaving connecticut behind.

two years ago, if someone told me it would be this difficult to leave connecticut, i would have hyperventilated from laughing so hard. but, a funny thing happened over the past few months. i actually started to get close with people. and, let's be honest, any place is tough to leave when the right people are there with you.

i've made some really great friends over the past year or so. i could name a few of them in particular, but for obvious reasons i won't.

of course, there is a special place in my heart for one girl, specifically. i wouldn't have thought i could've been impacted so much by a 21 year old girl who is still in college, but she is just an incredible person. she's helped me realize what i want to acheive in my professional life, and that i have to make sacrifices to get there. chief among those is giving up the thought of having control over where i live. so, while it certainly would be more exciting to live in new york city, or chicago, or some place like that, the important thing to me now is not so much where i am but what i'm doing.

it's extremely difficult to put into words how this whole situation has been for me. and it's even more fucked up because i know that once i am gone, i will have so many other things going on in my life, that i won't have the time to be thinking about how much i miss having her in my everyday life. unfortunately, though, that thought isn't very comforting.

i wish nothing but the best for this girl, and i am trying my best to just view her as a friend, but it's really hard. i'm not going to lie, if my feelings for her don't dissipate, i will be absolutely crushed if she meets a guy that she really cares about.

tonight was my last night seeing her before i take off. when we hugged, i didn't want to let go. i haven't really felt that way about a girl in four years. so, for the second time, i am leaving a girl who i am very attatched to and have really strong feelings for. the last time it happened, the girl found a great guy one year later, and now they are married.

at the time, what i did was right. had we stayed together it would have never worked out. but, later on, i eventually came to the realization that were she not dating anyone, i would have done whatever it took to have another chance with her. sadly, that epiphany came two years too late.

the difference between this situation and that, however, is that the girl from four years ago wanted us to stay together, even after i moved back to philly. whereas i did not.

this time around, both of us are in agreement that this is just not the right time, and that we are doing what is best for us. and, not just for each of us individually, but also for our relationship and whatever type of one it ultimately turns out to be.

this is probably the mose difficult time i have ever had leaving anyone behind, and mostly because of the uncertainty of what's to come. all i can do is assume the worst, ignore the best, and hope for something in between.

the girl aside, it's also sad to leave my two close guy friends. after being here for so long with no guys to hang out with, it was totally unexpected that i'd run into these old acquaintences of mine from high school and end up being such good friends with them now. it's a funny world, i guess.

when it comes down to it though, i am excited. the possibilities of where this trip can take me are endless. sure, i could end up getting nothing accomplished, but i am going to make sure that doesn't happen. i refuse to go away for a year, have fun, and then come back east saying, "ok, what the heck am i supposed to do now?"

those days are over, and i am going to make something out of this venture. it's not going to be easy, because i know there will be those days where i won't be motivated, and i'll want to sit on my ass and be lazy, and i'll have to fight that. i know i have it in me, and i feel good because now, for the first time, i have some sort of focus, and at least a general goal.

this time, when i'm on the road, i won't be afraid to make a turn that i don't recognize, because i know that i can always go back to where i started and keep going straight until i see the next street.

i'm ready to get this fucking car started.