in eight days i leave connecticut and make my way to the rocky mountains. i'll be in denver for a couple months, and i'm really excited about it. after that, i am moving to austin texas for an undetermined amount of time.

moving is always a scary thing. i really don't know how long i'll be gone for. i could be there a year and then come back east, or i could end up staying there a while, or i could end up going somewhere else totally unexpected.

one thing i am confident of, however, is that austin will rock.

it's funny, because people are always asking me, "texas!? why austin?"

i don't usually know what to say. i just want to tell them, "because it's not here." but, of course, they won't get it, or i'll just end up sounding like some whiny bitch, which i am, but i'm trying to keep that a secret.

the bottom line is that i want to see what is there for me. it's a young city with a lot of opportunity and possibilities, and if i can't find what i want in a place like that, then at least i'll know i have no motivation in life and then i'll be ok with coming back east and finding some 9-5 job. but, for now, i've got to at least give this a shot.

i'm also happy to be getting out of the restaurant i work at. the people i work with are cool and all, but i just dont like that place. the customers are not my kind of people. it's depressing to work somewhere where most of the customers are old and rich. and then they expect you to kiss their asses when you didn't bring them enough lemons and limes for their san pellegrino.

grant it, part of it is just me being bitter because i'm sick and tired of waiting on people, but the people at this restaurant can be particularly petty about things.

seriously, it's hard for me to describe how much happiness i will derive from not working at il palio.

of course, i am a little bummed about leaving for a couple of reasons. i finally have some close friends here, and now i have to go. and, as is the case whenever i'm leaving one place to live in another, i met a great girl here, and nothing will come of it.

well, no, that's not true. i've gained a good friend. and i appreciate that. but, sometimes i have to remind myself that being friends is not a poor consolation.

it's difficult because a couple years ago, or, hell, even a few months ago, i probably would've had my head screwed on straight about this whole thing, but i'm at the point now where i wouldn't have cared if we got really attatched and then had to leave each other. i would've been ok with that, because i would have been ok with the fact that she wouldn't have physically been around me all the time. as long as i could talk to her and see her once a month or something, i'd be ok with that.

of course, i need to look at this realistically. what are the odds that this kind of long distance thing would work after only 2-3 months of dating? probably not good. plus, she's got her own shit going on and i wouldn't want to fuck that up or put pressure on her.

she's gonna be a senior in college at a major party school and she's in a sorority. i don't care how mature she is, she's gonna get drunk one night and want to fuck some guy and without feeling guilty about it.

i mean, it's ok, i understand that. it's just hard for me to hold back. i've held back a lot over the past few years and i'm tired of it. i want to give this a shot even if it's got a good chance of failing.

this is why i'm happy to have the friends that i do who are able to make me shut the fuck up and do what i know is right as opposed to what i want.

do i want to blow a friendship with this girl because i don't have the patience to see how things pan out over the next year or so? no. but that's esentially what i'd be doing if i were pushy about this whole thing.

even as it stands now, i'm trying to be cool about it, but every time i see her i am reminded of how much i like her, and that's tough to get out of my head, even though i'm doing my best to make it go away.

for example, i want to make her a mix cd, but how stupid is that? it's not going to help. it can only make things worse. until i can get the idea of ever dating this girl completely out of my head, it will never happen.

the first step is making this realization. the second step is being able to actually forget about her, and that's the hard part. but, moving away will make that easier. not that i want to completely forget about her, obviously. i do want to be friends. but, living so close to her and knowing that we'd probably be together if we weren't leaving makes it hard for me to just want to be friends.

why do i always do this shit, though? when i was leaving connecticut/philly to move to chicago, i left a girl behind. when i left chicago to come back to philly, i left a girl behind. when i went to europe i left a girl behind. and now, once again, i'm a fucking retard. why can't i meet these girls before i make plans to go away somewhere for an extended period of time? what a fucking tease.

for many reasons, the next eight days can't come fast enough. there's all of the things outlined above, plus all of the friends i will see on my way out to denver. i can't wait to see everyone in philly, chicago, champaign, and all the other places i may go.

man... is it august 9th yet???