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5.31.2004would you like that severed baby head for here or to go?
after work on saturday night, i went to a local shelton bar with a couple of friends of mine. no big deal. we drank a couple beers and played some darts. it was just a typical after work dive bar experience.
at one point, as beer will tend to make one do, i had to go urinate. i walked into the bathroom and went over to the urinal where i discovered two unopened condoms lying on the floor in a thin sheet of an unidentified liquid. i started to think about how they got on the floor, but then my brain began to hurt, and i figured it was best to let it go. about thirty minutes later, samuel adams' summer ale coerced my bladder into making a return trip to the men's room. i headed over to the urinal again, and just like the previous time, i paused for a second. one of the condoms was missing. now, this i couldn't ignore. my first thought was that some guy needed a condom really badly, and in a manic attempt to locate one, he figured that an unwrapped one covered in piss was better than none at all. then i thought better of it and reasoned that anyone who would actually pick up a condom out of a pool of piss, probably wasn't going to get laid, anyway. however, when i left the bathroom and walked back into the main bar area, i looked around and came to the realization that if there was ever a bar that would have women in it who would sleep with a dude who picked up a urine soaked unwrapped condom off the floor of a bathroom, then this was the place. this means that somewhere in connecticut on saturday night, some really gross dude was banging some pretty nasty chick as the tantalizing aroma of stale piss filled the night air. lovely. anyway, sunday morning i woke up pretty early, around 8:30. i don't know why. i couldn't go back to sleep, though. so, after watching the sports highlights i needed to see, i decided to get up and go to mcdonald's for some breakfast. i had to take advantage of that situation, seeing as how i'm rarely ever up in time to have the opportunity. i walked into the "restaurant" and placed my order. i ordered a bacon, egg, and cheese mcgriddle meal. kick ass. in addition, i also ordered a sausage biscuit with bacon and cheese on it. yes. a sausage biscuit with bacon and cheese. it really doesn't get much more artery clogging and unhealthy than that. i am aware of this. but, here's what i don't understand. why is it so difficult for the people who work there to understand what i am asking for? every time i order it, i always get the same look of bewilderment from the worker. i know what you're thinking. you're thinking that the employee is saying to him/herself, "a sausage biscuit with cheese and bacon? why didn't he just order an instant heart attack?" and that this statement is the cause for the strange looks i get. i disagree. i see their faces. they are not concerned with my health. they have that look of, "shit, how am i supposed to put this into the computer?" now, look, i'm no mcdonald's cash register whiz, but i do know this... there are buttons on the thing for "add cheese" and "add bacon." call me crazy, but i'd think that pushing the button for "sausage biscuit" followed by pushing the above two mentioned modifiers would result in the sandwich i want. however, it doesn't seem to be that easy. apparently, this is too difficult a task. i almost never get charged the same thing. the order can range from $2 to $4 depending on who's trying to mastermind the whole operation of making me a breakfast sandwich. sometimes, and this is my favorite part, they put egg on the sandwich. i don't know why. is it because i ordered a sausage biscuit with egg, plus bacon and cheese? no. apparently, it's because the shitty frozen egg fairy sprinkles "can't take a simple freaking order" dust all over the place whenever i want some breakfast. the best part about all of this, is that this sandwich was a creation of the mcdonald's corporation. i first tried it a couple years ago when it was one of their special sandwiches. apparently, we know why it didn't stay on the menu for very long. nobody knew how to make the damn thing. finally, i got my food. knowing that i would need to do biscuit sandwich surgery, i pulled the greasy goodness out of my bag and walked over to the trash bin. i then enjoyed the looks of horror (and i kid you not, they were looks of horror) on customers' faces as they saw me unwrap the sandwich, pull out the "egg" and throw it into the garbage. i might as well have thrown a baby with a severed head in there. anyway, you should try the sandwich some time. it rocks. |
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