sue me.

it's opening day for baseball, how can i not be excited?

actually, i just want to have my pre-season predictions in writing so i can laugh at everyone when the brewers beat the devil rays in the world series...

or not.

here are my real predictions:

AL EAST

the yankees will win. of course. like i'm ever going to pick the red sox to win anything.

AL CENTRAL

i'm going with kansas city. the royals look like the twins from a couple years ago. they're young, energetic, and the steroids that they take are organic and low in carbs.

AL WEST

all the "experts" are picking the angels. screw the experts. just because they watch more baseball than me, know more about baseball than me, and talk to all the players, coaches, and upper management type people, they think that's supposed to mean something. it probably does. which is why i'm picking oakland.

AL WILD CARD

fine, i'll suck it up and pick the red sox. but i'm not happy about it!!

NL EAST

ok, i'm picking the phillies, so this better not come back to bite me in the wee wee. YOU HEAR THAT PAT BURRELL?

NL CENTRAL

the cubs. yes, i'm picking the cubs, the team who hasn't won a world series since 1908. sure, i could pick the astros or the cardinals, but i'm not. i'm picking the cubs! YOU GOTTA PROBLEM WITH THAT?!?!?

sorry...

NL WEST

this division really sucks. arizona sucks. los angeles sucks. san francisco sucks. colorado really sucks. however, san diego merely stinks, so i'll pick them to win the division.

NL WILD CARD

houston. the astros will make the playoffs because of their strong starting pitching, and solid bullpen. their downfall will be a typically unproductive post-season from their offense. jeff bagwell and craig biggio, once superstars, are in the twilights of their careers and will no longer be able to carry the load. lance berkman and company are capable of putting up big numbers, but, ultimately, philadelphia or chicago will prove to be too strong. how's that for some real baseball insight? maybe i do know something about baseball. take that, peter gammons...

AL PENNANT

yankees, motherfucker. who else? (so much for insight...)

NL PENNANT

my heart says the phillies. my brain which is beating the crap out of my heart says the cubs. alas, cubs it is.

WORLD SERIES

the yankees are the unpopular favorite to win it all this year. which is exactly why i am picking them. well, not exactly. i'm picking them because they are the best team in baseball, and they're ninjas. and we all know how cool ninjas are.