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3.25.2004when sports goes horribly wrong
there are only sixteen teams left in the ncaa tournament, but who is going to win? well, i could tell you, but you wouldn't believe me. you're going to pick whatever team your political party wants you to. not sure who your party is backing? just look at my handy-dandy guide...
SYRACUSE ORANGEMEN vs. ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE republican pick: alabama crimson tide? what a great movie! i love gene hackman and that colored guy. democrat pick: syracuse denzel is pretty dreamy in crimson tide, but alabama is on orange alert: high risk of getting an ass-whooping. nader's raider pick: stanford cardinal their mascot is a tree! go environment! besdies, why can't they win, just because they lost in the last round? vote for nader! CONNECTICUT HUSKIES vs. VANDERBILT COMMODORES republican pick: vanderbilt um, helllllllloooooooo? the vanderbilt family is like, super rich. just like me. democrat pick: uconn the vanderbilts may be rich, but obviously they're not very smart. why would they name their sports teams after an out-of-date computer? republican rebuttal: at least they didn't name their team after a bunch of fat kids. nader's raider pick: louisiana-lafayette ragin' cajuns they lost too? who cares? they're the ragin' cajuns! their name rhymes just like ours does! hehe... vote for nader! DUKE BLUE DEVILS vs. ILLINOIS FIGHTING ILLINI republican pick: illinois blue devils? the republican party thinks that is promoting satanic rituals. in fact, we are putting duke university on the "axis of evil" list. besides, those indians are cute, with their teepees and stuff. plus, we get money from all those casinos. ROCK! (but softly) democrat pick: duke i've got news for you. indians don't shoot arrows anymore. they shoot dice. devils, on the other hand, still have pitchforks. nader's raider pick: murray state racers the racers? hey, we're in the presidential "race". what a co-inky-dink! they don't have to win, they just need 5%! vote for nader! besides, those indians can't win, they let people smoke tobacco... in public! XAVIER MUSKATEERS vs. TEXAS LONGHORNS republican pick: texas texas?!? yee-ha! our president is from texas! the stars at night, are big and bright... democrat pick: xavier tex-ass is more like it! we like the muskateers. all for one and one for all! we represent the people, yay! um, except we're not gonna tell you how we feel about certain issues until after you've already voted for us. woo hoo! go kerry! nader's raider pick: louisville cardinals lousiville... kentcuky... appalachia... tree-hugging liberals! see, we knew there was a conncection there somewhere! vote for nader! what do you mean we keep picking teams that already lost? ALABAMA-BIRMINGHAM BLAZERS vs. KANSAS JAYHAWKS republican pick: kansas sorry, we don't like things that are flaming. democrat pick: uab stop squirming. their mascot is a fire breathing dragon, and it doesn't want to marry you. nader's raider pick: florida a&m rattlers yay florida! we did real good in that state the last time! i heard that one of the other candidates had some problems there, though. i hope it wasn't because of us! vote for nader! GEORGIA TECH YELLOW JACKETS vs. NEVADA WOLFPACK republican pick: georgia tech nevada is a place of sin. what with all their money, and prostitutes, and drugs, and late night parties. it's a good thing OUR president doesn't know anything about THAT. now please allow me to read you a passage from... democrat pick: nevada why don't you shove that bible up your ass, pal. all that preaching nonsense is enough to make me lose my cosmopolitan all over the texas hold 'em table. hey, why don't you sit down and join me for a hand or two? republican rebuttal: i really shouldn't. several hours later, up in the democrat's hotel room republican: hey, why is there white powder coming out of that envelope? is that anthrax? what is gary hart doing here? democrat: laughing heartily. no that's not anthrax, just take a little and rub it on your gums. gary is in charge of the entertainment. you like lap dances, right? nader's raider pick: valparaiso crusaders maybe we should change our name to nader's crusaders! yippee! vote for nader! ow! stop hitting me! OKLAHOMA STATE COWBOYS vs. PITTSBURGH PANTHERS republican pick: pitt i'll bet you're surprised. you probably thought we'd pick oklahoma state. but pittsburgh is the steel city, and we like to steal things. like elections. democrat pick: oklahoma st. our party is officially changing its symbol from the jackass to the marlboro man. we figure it's an even trade, but this way we get free smokes. ya-hoo! nader's raider pick: south carolina gamecocks for some reason a lot of people have been calling us "cocks" lately. i wonder what that means? oh well, vote for nader! SAINT JOSEPH'S HAWKS vs. WAKE FOREST DEMON DEACONS republican pick: st. joe's what, you think we're stupid? democrat pick: st. joe's obviously st. joe's is the best team in the tournament and will win it all. nader's raider: liberty flames liberty! yay! vote for n-- slow and painful death by severe strangulation so there you have it. now you know what teams too root for based on your political views. if you have any other questions or concerns, such as, who to vote for in the presidential election, the answer, of course, is pimento loaf. |
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