JUST CALL ME DUMBASS

i was thinking tonight (which is always a bad sign). i'm smart. the problem is that i'm not smart enough.

i'm intelligent enough to question things that should be questioned by more people on this planet, and specifically, in this country. the problem is, i'm not smart enough to come up with the answers or solutions. additionally, i'm lazy. therefore, i don't actually search for answers to the questions that bother me. and the reason those questions bother me is because i can't figure out the answers to them. you can see where this is going... at least, i hope so, because i have no idea.

shall i go on? i'd rather not. how about if i just let you ponder other people's stupidity instead...


TODD BERTUZZI SUCKS

anyone who has watched at least five minutes of espn in the past couple days, has probably seen the abominable cheap shot that todd bertuzzi of the vancouver canucks laid out on steve moore of the colorado avalanche. if you haven't, just turn on your television. i've seen it about fifty times now, and i'm not exaggerating. it was one of the most deplorable things i've ever seen in sports. in case you have no idea what i'm talking about, bertuzzi skated up behind moore and grabbed his jersey. then bertuzzi wound up his right arm, and sucker punched moore in the side of the face. that's bad enough. but then, as moore started falling to the ice, bertuzzi grabbed moore just above his shoulders and drove him into the ice, face first.

moore was unconscious, and, luckily, not dead. he was carted off on a stretcher and is currently in the hospital. he has a broken neck and spinal cord injuries, but, so far, the prognosis is good.

bertuzzi was upset with moore because two weeks ago he hit bertuzzi's teammate, markus naslund, and injured him. naslund missed three games. so, rather than just fight moore, which one of bertuzzi's teammates had already done earlier in the game, bertuzzi decided to intentionally injure him.

the buzz is now whether bertuzzi should be suspended for the rest of the regular season, through the playoffs, or all the way into next season.

i'd like to see him gone for at least a year. i wouldn't have a problem if it was more than that.


WOULD YOU LIKE THAT IN TWENTIES?

a woman in georgia (surprise!) went into a wal-mart and tried to
pay with a one million dollar bill.

yes, this is for real. no, i'm not joking.

the funniest part of this act of dumbocracy, is not her ignorance to the fact that most millionaires do not have mullets or shop at wal-mart, nor is it that she only tried to buy $1700 worth of merchandise, nor is it her ignorance to the fact that there is no such thing as a million dollar bill. it is that somewhere in her brain, she actually believed that the cashier would be able to make $998,300 in change. i mean, there is no conceivable way that one million dollars would fit into a cash register drawer. does she not understand that physical objects take up space? when she's at home and she's filling up a glass with water, does she understand that when the glass is almost full she's supposed to shut the water off? or does she start freaking out, going "oh no! what do i do?!? how am i gonna drink all this water!?!"

the answer is neither. she actually floods the whole trailer park.

apparently she would rival, in intelligence, the roast beef sandwich i ate today for lunch. actually, that wouldn't be very fair to the sandwich, which, by the way, was very tasty.


SWEET! 17 YEAR OLD GIRLS ARE OKAY!

a judge in florida ruled that girls gone wild could not get in trouble for filming a seventeen year old girl flashing her breasts. not because she lied about her age and they thought she was eighteen, but because florida's child porn laws say that there must be physical contact in order for it to be considered sexual conduct.

therefore, an underage girl flashing her breasts is a-okay! awesome, now pass me the k-y please...


STUPID ASSHOLE MORONS

i was bartending last night. these two guys came in near the end of the night and had a few drinks at the bar. they were there a good thirty minutes after everyone else was gone. they saw all of the following people leave, and heard me say goodbye to all of them loudly: the other two waiters, the two busboys, a manager, all of the other customers, and the entire kitchen staff. they saw the dishwasher wheel out a massive pile of garbage bags. they watched me clean and restock the entire bar. yet, it wasn't until i turned out the lights in the dining rooms that they said to me, "oh, are you closing? are we the last ones in here?"

it was so stupid, i walked up behind one of the guys, and punched him in the side of the face, and then grabbed his neck and drove him into the marble bar top face first. no, wait, that's what todd bertuzzi would do if he was bartending. my mistake.


I REALLY COULD PISS IN A KEG AND NOBODY WOULD KNOW...

i bartended for a private party on monday night. a financial consultant firm was having their annual st. patrick's day party. these people are big drinkers. they do a lot of business with the restaurant. anyway, i tapped all three kegs of beer, but the tap for the budweiser was broken, so they were limited to bass or amstel light. there were about 150 people at this party, and at least 50 of them were drinking the amstel. well, it turns out that the lines had gotten crossed and it was the tap for the amstel that wasn't working, which means the stupid fuckers were drinking budweiser all night long, and not one single person complained.


OH, AND BY THE WAY... DIGGER PHELPS SUCKS, BUT STANFORD SWALLOWS. ST. JOE'S IS OFFICIALLY #1...